The Barker Baker behind bars, lets hope not!

Having had a bomb shell of a letter land on my doorstep yesterday, I've been suffering from a crisis of conscience since.
I wonder whether I've been laboring under a misapprehension, was I wrong to have put my needs first?
Is that what this is really about?
I believe with all my heart, the decisions I have made in the year 2013 and 2014 have been the best, most honest, most moral of my life. When walking out of the Crown Court last year, I made a choice. To stop blaming everyone else for my mistakes, my bad decisions. My life is what I made of it, and to be honest, I did a pretty awful job.Never again.

I have made changes in my life I never thought possible. I have conquered demons and dealt with them; instead of burying them. I have accepted responsibility for what I did, the lies I told, the hurt I caused, and the guilt of my actions has almost torn me apart. But what good would I be wallowing in self pity? NONE.

And so, the real Francesca Barker was born. 26 years late, but a beautiful birth non the less. I am proud of who I am, I am proud of what I have done in these 12 short months. If I can achieve this much in 12 months of my life, then I can make something great with the rest of it. I have taken on the world of addiction and beat it, I have tackled my mental health issues instead of hiding behind them, and for a girl with such a shady past, a horry story of a child hood and a complicated adolescence, my downfall was always a long time coming.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, whilst I'm deeply ashamed of what I did, and how I hurt people, this road to ruin, has actually turned out to be a road to redemption. 
TheBarkerBaker is something that has moved from out of the shadows and grown in the sun, and it just keeps on growing.... my idea and vision has opened doors to places and people, its become a real vehicle for change and it makes me so happy. It makes me proud. It made me realise my purpose and my opportunity to give back.

And lo' this letter from the court is a little hard to swallow. 

I realise I am saying "I" a lot, and I think this is where the problem I face arises, I made 2013 the year to turn my life around in order to be a better person, to ensure I lived an honest life for the rest of my life, dependenant upon no substance, nor anyone else. Determined to give back to society, to make a difference and a positive impact. I completed my rehab, I job hunted for months until I was lucky enough to secure a position at the University. It's been a year of hard work, but I am proud of it. Whilst I have not been able to put my best financial foot forward, I have put things in place to ensure I can really tackle my compensation order in an effective and timely manner. However, its too little, too late.

The liklihood of prison as a method of enforcement of non payment is just, whether fair or not is debatable.

This time last year, I had made peace with the things I had done, and was ready and willing to accept my punishment, most likely a custodial sentence. I was terrified but accepting of the concequences. I was so lucky to have been spared incarceration, as I've said, I walked out of that court room determined to make the most of my second chance.

I never expected to feel this feeling of impending doom. This time its different, I have done everything in my power, in my human capacity to be everything I can be, to turn my life around and make a real difference. I set up my own bakery business, having been sent on a baking course by probation and it has become an epic vehicle for change, a real light in the darkness - its changed my life. The very thought of loosing it is breaking my heart.

I'm at a crossroads of conscience, the people I defrauded and hurt shouldn't have to wait and endure this burden, but I truly believe I am better to them as I am, strong, determined, employed, independent and honest than I am strained, deluded, and overstretched making promises of payment I just can't honour. I have refused to be the girl who says "your cheques in the post" and instead opted for the brutally honest, I dont have a penny to my name, its all I can do to keep my head above water, but I am giving back the only way I can and thats through me. My baking classes in the community, my bread that goes out in food parcels for foodbanks, my part in the market trade in Manchester, those of are impacts I make every day and it takes me closer to paying back what I owe.

My business is on the up, with huge support from Twitter, the community, and business like o2 who have just awarded me a grant for the business to expand its reach and help more people. Its a beautiful journey and its really taking speed, I know, right now in this moment, I am good person. I am a changed person. Most importantly, I am person who can make reparation for what I've done, through my business and through my job, I can pay this debt in an honest manner, but not with a noose around my neck.

I've never shyed away from what I did, I went to the Police station with my solicitor and sat down and told my story from start to finish. I was consumed with guilt, as I should have been, I had been selfish and deceitful. I'm not that person anymore, and I don't want to walk into a court room feeling like I am. That's why I'm finding this hard to deal with. Punish me as criminal, I was. Punish me as a girl who's worked her socks off to put a life together in order to face the ordeals of compensation orders, rent days, council tax arrears and real life? It's a little hard to swallow.

Regardless, I am willing to accept whatever the court has to say, because I have not honoured my sentence, I have not paid these people what they deserve. It is my mistake. I am living in hope that they see why I have not paid the order, and recognise my efforts and my change and my intention to gain stability in order to face this.

Friends have rallied around and donated money to the page in order to put me in good stead for my court date. The total debt is many thousands, we were hoping as a group, a community, that a milestone of £2000 will show the court I'm serious, show them I'm capable and show them I have people in my life right now who will support me in my endeavour to clear this debt. People who I will ultimately loose if I'm sent to prison, along with my business, my job, my partner, my life really.

I'd like to say thank you to the wonderful support I have received thus far, both financial and more importantly, in the kind words some of you have shared with me.
I take great comfort and great pride in the fact I have managed to show people the real me but most importantly, that everyone deserves a second chance. If you are willing to work to be a better person, then there is always hope for great things to come. So fingers crossed.....

xx

Time for change

My life has taken me to many a strange place.
There have been times I didn't think I would ever see the day that I would be walking around Manchester, holding hands, walking in the rain, counting down to a warm shower and an owl onesie with a cup of tea and a pussycat called Gordon.

Amongst the lesbian cliche, I found myself oddly grateful, I wandered into the shop to buy a tin of cat food and there was a man sat outside, in the pouring rain, with a rather well used looking polystyrene cup, asking the masses of people stepping around him for change.

I had just enough change for the bus home in my pocket but I couldn't get the image of this man out of my mind while I was waiting for the bus, so I marched to the nearest cash machine, took some money out and went and bought some sandwiches. This may sound like a private school girls ease of conscience but believe me it was much more than that.

This man's face has played on my mind since I saw him, since he said thank you, since I got on the bus to my little house, where the heating was on full blast.

I ran away from home. I wasn't a teenager. I was old enough to have a handle on my life but I didn't. My parents broke my heart and I ran, I got a train to London with the money that I had left of my allowance and took the battery out of my phone. I disappeared.
The money ran out. I was homeless. In the city where I was born. In the city where I was once great. In the city that could have made me, but I lost it.
I went to an internet cafe and searched for options, and sadly fell upon one that most girls do in the same situation.
I was picked up, driven to warehouse in Brent Cross. It wasn't warm. There were lots of girls there, mostly Polish, they seemed happy with the way things were. I shared a bed with a girl called Emily, we didn't sleep. Mice crawled across the bedsheets and kept us awake. The shower was cold, but it was water. A man brought us Mcdonalds if we were good. I had forgotten what it was like.
Friends begged my parents to take notice of the fact I had fallen off the face of the earth, they knew something had happened, they knew I'd left with my heart in my hands. I just didn't care.
I didn't want that life anymore, they didn't want me, so I ran, as far from that world as possible.
After 3 months I turned my mobile phone back on, I had a voicemail from my grandma, she didn't say much, she just said "Come home"
I called my mother, she was annoyed I'd bothered her. She asked me what I had been doing, where I was, how I was surviving without their money, I said one word "prostitution"
She put the phone down.
I lived a life in a blur, I thought I was taking control and regaining the power I had lost, it's only now when I have time and strength to reflect I realise I was wrong. All it left me with was shame and an addiction.
I sometimes take the bus to London, it goes past that warehouse. I squeeze her hand extra hard when we go around that god forsaken ring road.
She has the ability to make me forget, the things that broke me, she makes me forget that place, that time. She makes me feel clean, loved, worth and I love her for it.

My point is, I used to walk by people in the rain, until people walked by me.
I don't want anyone to feel like I did, and I know I can't change the world, but I can make it better.

So I need your help, I need time, I need hands, I need love, I need hope.
We'll make soup, we'll make sandwiches, we'll make tea and toast.
We'll have blankets, and jumpers and whatever it takes.
Because there is no such thing as invisible anymore.