I heard a laugh today.
A laugh I haven't heard for 8 years and it made me freeze. Stop in time. Go back in time. And I got lost.
On a day of such promise, I had part of my heart yanked out like I was 19 again.
Riding the lovely bus through Manchester, I was in a world of my own, brain storming in silence, 101 ideas a minute, standard.
And there it was. That laugh.
I grabbed Sarah's hand and asked her "The man, on the phone, behind us, sat near the back. Is he a big black guy, over 6ft" my description went on and on, specifics, like it was just yesterday I saw his face. He spoke, he laughed, he talked. A free man. Back on the streets of Manchester. And just like that, the child in me is reignited and my fear chokes me like it did back then.
I chose to be brave this time. I turned to check if my imagination was teasing me, but no, the nightmare was really true. There he was. The destroyer. The man who took my life from me. Laughing on the phone, jolly, life easy as pie, not a care in the world. Dressed in a supermarket uniform, sat 4 seats behind me on the bus ride to my future, dredging up my past.
Manchester likes to play these jokes on me, one step forwards, three steps back.
I've spent nearly a decade getting over it, boxing it off as just a bad dream.
There are some things you can't escape, not forever.
So what do you do when you are faced with the boogeyman? Your greatest fear?
You walk away.
I whispered to Sarah, we got off the bus, and as it pulled away, he gave me a wink from the window. I was almost sick right there on the curb.
8 years ago, I locked myself in my university halls of residence, drew the curtains, I didn't leave. I was too ashamed, too scared to face the world. I let it all go.
Tins of empty tuna dotted around my bedroom floor, empty bottles of alcohol and relics of a broken heart. He broke me.
When I sit and think about my future and plan my family, my hopes, my dreams. It comes back to that day.
The only child I'll ever have was his. A sick twist of fate. I passed out in the hospital when they told me I was pregnant, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I'd fought to bury that day, that night, fought to put it to one side, carry on with my life and lo' the repercussions of it, inside me. I felt sick. Toxic. I put plans in place to exorcise it from me, controversial to some but not for me, I hated myself for even having it inside me, for not fighting hard enough, for not punching hard enough, kicking, screaming, non of it was enough to keep me from ending up here.
The pregnancy that ruined my future, that scarred me inside and out and made sure I would remember that day forever. Made sure I'd have to think about it when I'm planning a future with my love, my life.
We want children, we want family and because of him, there is no guarantee that it will happen.
I had to drag her off the bus today, she was like a woman possessed, determined to fight for my honour and my heart all these years on. I tried to tell her its too late. Theres nothing in the world that could make it right.
And there he was, smirking, at the two of us. He told people who questioned him about his crimes I was his crowning glory, the lesbian, the icing on his cake.
I hated that man for such a long time. I replayed it in my head 1000 times, what I could have done different, would he had survived it if I had fought harder? I looked him in the eyes today and all I heard was the last thing he said to me before his final strike across the face "I don't know why I bothered, it was like fucked a dead fish, you could have least pretended to enjoy it"
Hows that for a happy thought on a thursday.......
Off I went to my meeting, smiling, determined not to let him win. You see, he took my life once, I won't let that happen again. I walked, I walked, I drank coffee and made plans.
I breathed slowly and made it through my day, because thats what you do. You fight demons and darkness with the light. You put your best foot forward, you fight for your future and everything thats yours.
19 year old me hid and cried, and lied and lied. Drank myself into oblivion and took every drug under the sun to numb it, to dull it. Today was a snapshot of hell. But I conquered.
I didn't run to the nearest pub, I didn't dig around in my brain for mobile numbers I once knew by heart to bring me some sweet release. So you see, I won.
I walked around the supermarket, I bought a few treats. I reflected on the days plans and I looked forward to tomorrow.
If I can face my darkest demon, and look that bastard in the eye and still come out on top. Then he didn't take it all, just a short passage of time. Because now it's all me. And he is just a sad man who steals moments, and I'm the girl who creates movements in time. Past, present, future. The best is yet to come.
Positives over negatives.
