2014 saw many highs and lows, from court cases to winning awards, it couldn't have been any more of a year of contrasts.
Every December, a rollercoaster of emotion begins, like clockwork, an annual turbulence decends upon my life and I hold on to save my life in the hope I'll make it to the New Year in one piece.
Everyone has a sad story, and I have a few more than most, but it's December 24th 2010 that creates a madness and sadness I can't shake. The year I broke away from my family and my mother decided to call me and tell me so on Christmas Eve 2010, that after some thought, I wasn't welcome and wasn't wanted for Christmas Day, little did I know at the time, that she actually meant forever. So in a crazed state of mind, I zoomed into Manchester city centre and bought up half of Marks and Spencers, spending money I shouldn't have, I blew it all on a turkey, all the trimmings, posh gravy, champagne, cocktails and just for a bit of class, I stopped off at Tesco on the way home and pick up a 24 pack of Strongbow.
Christmas Day came, I awoke in my halls of residence, alone. My last minute £1 asda tiny plastic Christmas tree dimly lit my little room and surrounding it were all the gifts I had bought my family. I went into the kitchen, poured a large glass of champagne and sat crossed leg, as I did with my family every Christmas morning and I opened the gifts I had bought and wrapped them as if they were mine. Quite genuinely having some sort of mental breakdown, I laughed, I cried, I acted surprised by said gifts, tearing open a reideer wrapping papered DVD I had bought for my mum - a copy of Elizabeth I with Cate Blanchett, quelle surprise! What a thoughtful gift....! A copy of Fivel Goes West for my brother, what a joy! And on it went... surrounded by crumpled wrapping paper and useless gifts, I engaged Barker cruise control. I was going to have my Christmas day the way we always had Christmas day. Champagne. Gifts. Breakfast. Silly TV. Cooking. Lunch. More silly TV. So a bottle of champagne in, the Marks and Spencers turkey joint to feed 4-5 went into the little University oven and I sat down on a plastic chair and watched The Grinch. In my drunken, epicly sad and lonley stupour, I text Sarah, who I was dating at the time. She had know idea the car crash she was involved with at the time. On the outside, I was a hard working, ambitious, lovely normal girl. She was the only person who text me on Christmas Day.
I laid the tiny table in the kitchen/common room, posh napkin, wine glass, cracker. All laid for one. The only fruit cake in halls of residence over Christmas. Total silence.
I ate. I drank. I cried. I laughed. And after I had finished my dinner, washed my plates, tidied the kitchen, I went out to a party. I made my way through the Strongbow, got a taxi back to halls around midnight and decided to take every pill I had in the flat. I had a frustrated, angry thrash around the flat, smashing plates and crying, and then I passed out on the kitchen floor, only for the warden to open my flat up to find out what was going on and duly rush me to hospital (which was convieniently for him just across the road)
I woke up in the MRI, angry. Angry at my failed attempt and angry at the man who saved my life for interferring in my Christmas present to myself.
Boxing day on a hospital ward, being assessed by the psych team, Merry Christmas Fran. The doctor asked me if there was anyone I wanted to notify, let them know I was ok, I laughed as the nurse asked "Is your next of kin still Kevin?"
Needless to say, I told them not to, a phone call to let me father know I had tried to off myself would only interupt their family Christmas, to this day, he doesn't know what ripping the family from me did to me that year.
I have text my mum, my brother and my dad, every Christmas Day and New Years Eve since - needless to say, the responses I get are not the ones I hope I will.
.jpeg)
Sarah shouts at me and says I'm wasting my time, punishing myself and that I should let them go, but for a girl whos craved family for so long, to loose mine, no matter how fragile we always were, broke my heart.
2010 saw the beginning of the end, I went off the rails. Angry. Hurt. Bitter. Despite falling in love with Sarah, the girl that woke up on boxing day was determined to destroy it all and I did a pretty good job of it, ending up in court, nearly sent to prison, it's only pushing my life to limit I realised just how stupid and selfish I had been. Pity gets you nowhere and I had been wallowing. There were no excuses for my behaviour. No sad story to aleviate such dishonesty. So upon walking out of court in 2013, I was a bundle of sad, mad and guilty. Such guilt. For wasting my life, for hurting those in it, such anger, for being so alone, left to disappear whether behind bars or dead.
How do you tackle demons like that?
You build great things upon them.
2014 saw me, Francesca Barker, win an award, for Best Female Entrepreneur. I've never won anything before and to achieve something like that, in recognition of my passion for change, hard work and rehabilitation.... it changed my life.
I feel proud of myself every day. From February 8th 2013, I have worked harder than I have ever worked in my life. I have fought to change, to live, to love. I have made friends that are true and kind (Becky, Luci, Charlie, Debbie, Kathleen, Dom) I have found people who have made me understand its ok to be broken, as long as you strive not to be more than just broken.
Christmas Day 2014 saw me waking up in a lovely warm bed, with my fiance wrapped around me (snoring her tits off might I add) having a glass of cava while crossed legged under the tree opening our presents together, we are an amalgimation of our family traditions and we will continue them into the future as we build our own. This year will see us married, becoming the Barker-Mills, so Christmas Day 2015 is definitely something to look forward to!
We are all the walking wounded, but we walk hand in hand for a better tomorrow. That is what 2015 is for me. To work for tomorrow, to live for today and to love every bloody second of it!
Happy New Year my friends, may 2015 be filled with laughter and love.
xx
