In my 2 years of growth and understanding, what have I learned? What have I done with my life and second chance?
Let me share with you the most incredible journey of my life... and it's only just begun!
Friday 8th February 2013 saw my life going one of two ways; 1) I would go to HMP Styal and stay there for up to 2 years of my life or 2) I would walk out of that court room a very fortunate young woman. As you all know, I was lucky enough to be allowed to leave the Crown Court, with my bag full of knickers, pens and paper, enough stamps to sink a ship and £50 in cash.
That walk to my sentencing hearing haunts me every day of my life, I remember how the air felt on my face, walking through the streets of Manchester, breathing in like I would some how forget the feeling if the worse happened, it was like seeing the city for the first time and lo' in my darkest hour, a mirage in the distance, a face I had wished for throughout the whole process, the fact I had wanted to scream and shout and tell my truths too, my father. Suited and booted and ready for court. A knight in shining armor arriving after the battle had already been fought. A sorry face. An apology. That somehow in the perfect land of Barker, there had been an acknowledgement of a failure on their side, that maybe the broken Barker should have been fixed before spinning out of control, alone, excommunicated and erased from afar.
It was my day. The day of reckoning, all my bullshit and all my stupidity had lead me here. To this day of cleansing, of repenting, of trying to make things right - to be punished.
And there he was, as bold as brass, caring.
I look back on that moment, where he handed me a Carluccio's coffee and told me to leave my packed bag outside of the court room with him, because I wouldn't be needing it, anger flared, resentment, sorrow. I knew my fate, I had made my choices and I was ready to take the consequences, I walked into the police station, I plead guilty, I said sorry, all my choices.
I took the money. I spent the money. I warped my morality that it was somehow acceptable behaviour living in the land of disillusion and broken truths. Dramatic but true.
The most poignant change in my behaviour has been the absolute acknowledgment that I and I alone are to blame for the wrongs in my life, for the mistakes I have made. I was a fucked up child with a horror story past, a complicated life of memories and hate but my parents taught me right from wrong, and I chose not to adhere to those rules, because I never have. I have lived my life inside my own head, with rules laid out by an angry child who reigns my kingdom of crazy.
D-day came and went and I learned my lesson the hard way and have spent every day since unraveling the wrongs I reaped and built my life upon the foundations of truth and honesty, no matter how ugly a truth.
I've been to hell and back with mental health intervention, crisis teams, hospitalization, anti-depressants, medication a-plenty, drug rehabilitation running alongside, Wigan, Manchester, all over the bloody north west. It's been quite the journey. I've been job hunting, rejected, praised, hated and loved.
And after soul searching and understanding, I accidentally found my purpose.
To be a baker.
A baker that changes the world, my world, Sarah's world, my mother in laws world, the people I meet, the people I teach, with one aim, to bring positive change; no matter how big or small.
I have spent 27 years on this earth, and over 20 years of that has been torture, trapped in a life I didn't know, pretending to be someone I'm not, with people around me I don't like, I don't want, but they were people, so I didn't feel so alone.
And now I'm here, and I'm happy and the road to recovery is nearing it's end, because I understand its purpose, to teach me, to help me learn and to grow, to be a better person, to tell the truth, to love, and the best way to compound that is when I say my wedding vows to the incredible girl who has stood by me and held me tightly in her arms.
We've lived, sickness and health, richer and poorer and we are still standing side by side. She tried to save me many years ago and I wreaked havoc and broke her heart, but she saw the good in me and nurtured it to this beautiful place, so now we move forward together, stronger than we could ever imagined possible. It's love and it is incredible.
So NOW THEN!
Yesterday saw the 2 year anniversary, a strange thing to commemorate but I have told you all why.
Friends and family came together and shared a beautiful meal, laughter and love, around a table in a bloody brilliant place, a place I happen to be a part of now, working with a magical woman who fate seems to have thrust into my path.
When we met, I knew, there was some bizarre connection, and whilst in that moment, I thought this woman could be a friend, not someone I would end up working with, I have a strange feeling when I'm with her that the familiarity and safety she makes me feel makes me sure of a happy ending, whichever direction life takes me.
There have been stark moments over the past two years where I have met people and felt a piece of me jump into place, the kind of lightening bolt moments where you know you were meant to find eachother, it sounds a romantic notion, but I have lived a life of false friendships and failures due to disastrous life choices and somehow fate has brought things full circle and given me beautiful people who I will build my life around and feel proud to have a part of theirs.
I could name and shame you sorry few ;) but you know who you are by now.
The creative : beautiful, with eyes that grab you by the balls, because every word is honest and passionate. It's food, it's friends, it's family, it's futures. All things I hold dear. And theres hurt and loss along the way, and somehow with coffees and pizzas and beautiful gifts that made me have a little cry on the way home, its true friendship found in a strange place and will stand the test of time, after all my friend, you are only 30 ;)
The baker : the reason for my weight gain perhaps? But a woman of great vision and passion, hope and ambition, the cutest tea drinker on the earth, summarised by the beautiful gift she gave me yesterday! We met on a day where my life took off, a market, the day I decided to take the baking to the next level. And as she has a special day coming up pretty soon, it's time to say OI! WE ARE TAKING YOU AWAY TO THE COUNTRYSIDE FOR A DAY OUT! No boys allowed!
The blogger : hiding in the shadows of social media, with a social life I can't even comprehend, a woman whos life and love balance is so spot on, I think she must be part cyborg! One of my first crowd funding donors, first bread buyers, first glimpses of true fashion and style on the streets of Levy, always first port of call for good advice, whether life, love or alcohol!
Brilliant and dependable, thank you for your wise words <3
The wife : For the hugs and the kisses and the allowance of some moderate snoring, you are an incredible woman. You lost your way holding me together and its time you will never get back so I will spend the rest of my life making you happy, making you bread and making you buy bowties for our over-pampered cat.
I love you and you are perfect, and you have a beautifully kind soul, you are your mothers daughter and the two of you in my life make me feel very special. I feel loved and I feel safe. I will always make you (both) feel the same way.
The brilliant and brave : To the people who read this blog, to the strong and honest who have lost their way and are taking it back bit by bit, inspiring as always, knowing I'm not doing this alone. The point of this paragraph is neither are you! <3
<3
So that's my little ramble over and done with! Let's see what February 8th 2016 will bring!
