Change is now

I was watching Coronation Street tonight, gripping the sofa with tears in my eyes.

Julie Hesmondahalgh was just.. wonderful.

It's my biggest fear. It's my biggest worry.

With my separation from my family, what if something happens and I'm not there to be a daughter, a sister?

I found out through the grapevine a few months before I was due in the Crown Court to be sentenced that the woman I love most in my life was ill.
No-one told me. I wasn't part of their life anymore, therefore I fore-fitted my right to know.
I was heartbroken, I have never felt so powerless.

Was that the real price I paid for the mistakes I have made? To loose all that I love and care for?
I am lucky enough to have beautiful people in my life who have stood by me but I can't shake the agonizing pain and worry that no matter what I do, I have lost my family forever.

I feel an immense sense of pride, when I wake up every morning, I wake up with purpose, vigour, love and I know its a day for change, a day for progress. I am very lucky. Not everyone gets to have a second chance.

So I had the bombshell, a year ago, she was sick.
I rang every hospital I could think of, asked questions no-one would tell me the answer to.
I turned up at one with a bag of random crap, thinking it might help.
Diet coke - her favourite. A sponge - useful; no-one likes hospital sponge baths do they?
Cake - something edible, delicious, made by my own fair hand and therefore fully loaded with a little too much buttercream.
A card - what could I say? It was simple "I just want you to know I am thinking about you and you are always in my heart. I live around the corner if you need ANYTHING ANYTIME, I can and will be here" with my mobile number scrawled dodging the teardrop marked page.

What if I lost her? What would I do? With no chance to make things right and no opportunity for her to see the real me and not the idiot that got lost through a decade of mistakes???

Sometimes I go to sleep at night and shes the last thing I think of, does she think of me?

Sometimes I text, it's not welcomed, but I try.
That's all I can do for now.

I made this change for me, she will see if soon whether she wants to or not.

And when shes wanders into her local deli and picks up a loaf and thinks OMG THIS IS THE BEST BREAD I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE, maybe then I'll get a text back :)

In the meantime, I'll do little things that make real change possible.
I'm running the Great Manchester Run.
I'm baking for a gala dinner.
I can't go into Wilkinsons because I put all my money in the Christies Charity pots!

My point is, little things is all it takes.

When it comes to Cancer, change is now.

Iron Lung

Iron Lung

More like Margaret Thatcher,

Maybe then I’d stand a chance.

More iron lady, less iron lung.

You’ve been my life support from the moment this begun,

Watching me move through the years,

Traces of cotton on the pavement, you watch me come undone.

Stitched together loosely, held together by just the air,

It’s no wonder this broken puppet, is far beyond repair.

I’ll dance until the day is old, until you tell me to stop,

I’ll sing, I’ll chant, I’ll recite each word you want,

If we are in the same choir, I’ll let you come out on top,

I’ll whisper the words so no-one hears me,

All they’ll see is you,

I’ll be the shadow you didn’t know you had,

Because you are supposed to be my sun;

I’m the earth that moves round you,

Escaping darkness dusk til dawn,

From your heart, my life is to be drawn.

So the monitor keeps on beeping,

It tells me I live a life,

Because to be a fragment, to be a memory,

It would be better to let die.

Watch you float away like a ripple in a pond,

It’s been so long, I don’t think you’ve noticed that I’ve gone.

All that binds us is a surname,

All that holds us is a past

The hope for me is a half empty glass.

Pessimism wins out this time

Because it feels more like a draught;

A scorching desert of memories,

That fall through time like sand,

I sit and wait again and again,

And watch the obnoxious hand.

You don’t come, you don’t care,

I sit, phone in hand,

It feels like some sort of dare.

You are my iron lung.

Created to keep me strong,

Yet somehow I’m dependent upon you,

Being played like a puppet,

Being playfully strung along.

So its sink or swim,

I rip the band aid off,

Can I breathe without you?

Is this what I have become?

A tragedy, a car crash, desperately holding on?

I’ll tear this travesty from my chest,

And let it all go to hell,

I’ll let the oxygen consume me,

I’ll let my lungs and heart swell.

I don’t know how to remove you,

Without taking out of piece of my heart,

But it feels like that’s the right place to start.

I’ve tried to show you I’m changing,

I’ve tried to forgive you for the beginning,

I’ve tried to make you see, I wasn’t the only one sinning.

But its empty words falling on deaf ears,

You’re a blind man with an iron heart.

So my iron lung doesn’t feel so bad in comparison,

I’ll be Maggie.

Less iron lung. More iron lady.

Just watch me