It's been bugging me.
It's been over a year, but it's really getting under my skin.
The whole "Why the fuck arn't you thin?"
Picture this, you've had your make up done.
Your big sister has done your hair.
You've never looked more beautiful.
Truly. You.
Lace, clinging to breast, bottom, strong arms, feminine wonderment.
The music you chose is radiating through the big oak door that separates you from your one true love.
The Book of Love, Peter Gabriel, you've listened to it 100 times, but today, the whisper that seeps through the door means that on the other side, shes gliding, towards the waiting point, to the finish line, the moment you've both waited for, for, well forever.
It's heaven. It's everything you had hoped it would be.
And then there's a joke
"You should probably ask the diet plan for your money back,"
And the smile on your face falters.
The music keeps playing, and it's nearly your turn.
You look up, taller than you.
Thats the fathers roll.
To stand tall and proud and walk the daugher down the aisle.
And after all we've been through and how much it has taken to get us both here,
In this moment.
I don't want this.
Please be better, just for today.
I did it for you. Could you not just do it for me?
And my glorious lace, suddently feels tight and clingy,
Gripped to all the vunerable places
The makeup doesnt feel enough
The hair feels it should be more
And I'm her again.
And it's you.
It's always you.
The door swings open,
The music loud now,
We walk.
Everyone is smiling.
I'm smiling.
But I'm in shock.
Can they see it in my face?
Smile Fran smile.
Big Barker smile now.
All is well
All is fine.
Practice makes perfect.
He's on my dress
Stepping on the fucking lace drape.
"Come on, you're not on your skateboard now," he whispers with a laugh
I'm not gliding.
I'm falling.
Into the same old trap.
What was I thinking?
That you would be good for me?
When have you ever been good for me?
You used to say all I did was take take take,
But thats what you do.
You take away me.
Who I am.
I've made a mistake.
I dreamt of this moment.
But it's all wrong.
There she is.
Like an angel in white.
If this is heaven,
My grandma was right,
Because it's beauty like I've never seen.
Now I'm smiling,
Really smiling,
Because I'm drowning you out.
It's her,
Its all about her.
She's my future.
She's my family.
And the look on her face says everything I need to hear right now.
I am beautiful.
And the lace, it's mind blowing.
It's - fuck me, that girls going to be my wife.
We stand together.
Locked in love.
The registrar asks parents to stand and offer their support of our marriage.
Her parents creep forward,
So do you.
The lady askes if you will support us in love and happiness.
You say "I will"
On cue
Good work.
And then whisper "you're on your own now,"
It's almost sinister.
Are you trying to ruin this for me?
Is that your way of saying this is it?
You've done your bit
You've done the pain, the shame, and now the walk?
The photographer is floating in and out
He's careful
He's been pre-warned by me
No photos of you
Of us
You told me no
And that if you saw any, you would "sue me until the end of time,"
I should have known then this was a terrible idea
The shame you feel to be in the same room as me
It hasn't changed
Years and years of carrying your conscience along with mine.
No more
Take your Ebendezer Scrooge chains and FUCK OFF.
Take your stupid speeches and cutting remarks and leave.
Get out of my life
Stay away from my wife
Because you have no place here now.
Your speech shocked the people I love and care for
And who love me through and through
You spoke and poked fun at me,
You made a fat joke or two,
You spoke with a tone of disappointment and then one of relief
And everyone in the room felt it.
Everyone in the room saw it.
When people who meet me ask about my family,
I saw we don't speak.
When friends ask, and we grow in trust,
I tell them I broke your heart and you broke mine.
I tell them of things that have happened,
And it becomes a characture,
People can't comprehened it.
And then you stand infront of a crowd of happy faces
And you turn it cold.
And they lurch in anger
And lean back for me
After your speech on my wedding day,
The only thing anyone had to say to me was
"Are you ok?"
You understand how insane that is right?
Needless to say, things improved after you left.
I think it took to see you in your true glory,
On the biggest day of my life to know we have no way back.
To know that you are not me
And I am not you.
But I have to tell you
Your voice is stuck in my head.
Last week we found out our pregnancy plans are fucked.
And I know alot of that is weight related.
And all I can hear is you.
I told you so
I told you so
Every diet day I've had since I got married
It's been you
Bouncing around in my mind
And I defy your voice and think FUCK YOU
I'm perfect the way I am
I have a tantrum, fight back
Settle with my body shape
And plod on in defiance.
No more.
My heart broke.
I'm married.
I'm happy.
I'm hopeful.
I have a family.
I have friends who make my life a wonderful thing.
All we want is a baby.
And we can't.
It's some sort of sick joke.
And I think of you.
I think, did you feel this pain when you tried?
Did your heart break because you couldn't?
Did it break more when you got me?
And what about mummy?
I feel this emptiness, this feeling of failure
And I feel sorry for her,
That she felt this pain too.
That she suffered through months of trying,
Waiting,
Failing.
And I wonder what it was that lead you to me.
Fate.
And then I remember, you've got Fran part two
At the age of 142 might I add.
Your chance at redemption.
Your second attempt.
You should have stopped with the baby making by now.
I pray to god that child is not fat.
Or whatever you guys deem fat is?
Is it trying in DKNY jeans in Harrods and making your daughter cry
Because you told the sales assisstant "I know, she's really fat,"
Is it fat shaming your daugher on her wedding day?
Is it pinching in inch every time you've seen me for the past ten years?
I genuinely can't remember seeing you in the past decade where you haven't mentioned my weight.
Not one time.
It gets a little boring I know.
Blaming you for my problems.
Poor little Fran,
Always looking for the bad guy.
Alas, in this circumstance,
It is indeed you.
I can't explain how much I have hated the body I am
I can't explain how much I have been trapped in mind,
And blamed myself. For all of it.
Ugly inside and out.
That's how you have made me feel.
And I'm old enough to know better.
You're certainly old enough to be better.
I guess we're both still learning.
Call this what you want,
It's a wake up call,
It's an exorcism.
I'm 16lbs lighter than my wedding day, with 3 stone more to go.
We'll get pregnant, we will have a child, and it will grow to be the most beautiful wonderful proud part of our lives.
No matter who what how.
And you won't get a say.
Sarah's biggest fear was that I would bring you into our childrens future.
That you would say things to them, the way you do with me.
She couldn't tell me no.
She was just clever enough to know I would figure it out on my own.
I've had nothing but time in lockdown and on furlough to evaluate my feelings,
And in 2020, the only thing more dangerous that Covid 19. Is you.
Goodbye Daddy.
