To Grieve

When I was 8, my beautiful cat Portia disappeared.

I was distraught.

I looked in all the usual places, even the sports bag he once travelled on the school bus inadvertently in.

Not there.

Days passed, tears ran, hysterics firmly in situ.

I was distraught.

It became apparent that Portia was not going to come home.

Dead or alive, gone for good.

And my tiny little brain, couldn't cope.

I had never known loss like it.

I couldn't comprehend it.

Why? How? Was it me? Was it my fault?

The pain of losing something I loved so much.

It was something I remembered feeling, but didn't understand.

My mother wrote a letter to my teacher, to explain what had happened.

To explain my behaviour.

My tears. My trauma.

And she was annoyed.

That I couldn't or wouldn't pull myself together and get on with things.

That was my first memory of what death or loss felt like.

The second time I remember feeling such pain was my grandfathers funeral.

 I stood next to my mother in a church. Front row. 

And she did a Melania Trump.

Stoney face, grief stricken, hidden under a pair of Chanel sunglasses.

I reached for her hand and she slapped it away like I was Donald Trump.

Bitch please.

Barker's don't cry. Barker's don't really do emotion of any sort unless it's anger.

I know this all too well.

And for the duration of my grandfathers funeral service, I too was stoney faced and cold.

Stalwart in our silent grief.

And then his WW2 service hat felt off his coffin as it was drawn into the fires and I leapt from my church pew, in hysterics, tears streaming down my face, red, puffy, devastated but not understanding why, and placed his hat back ontop of his coffin, panting

"He can't go without it, he needs it, he needs it,"

That memory stands firm in my mind, whenever I think of death and I think of grief, I wonder what it is to process, in a normal fashion, because when I hear of death, I am consumed with a backlog of grief and emotional baggage and it overwhelms me in ways I still don't understand.

Let me explain.

On Sunday just gone, I saw friends, actual human faces, amidst this ongoing pandemic, and in Tier 3 - panic not; social distancing was of course observed - Sarah and I are fairly tenacious regarding Covid as you can imagine.

Walking around in the cold, we trudged around Hollingworth Lake, our old stomping ground and I was consumed with a different emotion all together.

Immense relief and gratitude.

I have moments in 2020, 2019, where I have an outer body experience, and I look at my life and it feels like someone else's because it's not something I ever thought I would have.

I sat on the sofa in our little festive flat this evening, and I cried. I said to Sarah

"I can't explain it, you couldn't understand what I mean when I say, I've spent forever, before you, with you, trying to find who I am, know who I am, and now I have it, I feel like it could all unravel," and I faltered, with immense emotional cracks. My chin wobbled. And I couldn't contain this strange emotion.

I'm happy. Happier than I have ever been.

Walking around a lake on a cold december morning with the kindest people I know, who I treasure, more than I thought possible, I realised just how far I've come.

That the life I have, the life I live, is of my making. The people I fill my days and heart with, are beautiful and fill me with joy. I really am happy.

But it's never easy. I am yet to know a period of my life where I could say it was easy.

We live our life with demons day to day, and its all consuming and sucks joy from the smaller things, no matter how much safeguarding we put in place.

So cards on the table friends, 2020 has been a shit show.

We are a year on with baby making plans, the grand ambition, get married, start a family. Stalled.

The diagnosis of PCOS for me was a short lived relief, the knowledge of having just one ovary to work with, and limited at that, was a suffocating pressure - literally, all of my eggs are in one basket. And if that basket doesn't have many eggs left, my grand plans of being mother of the century are swiftly out of the window. 

Heaven forbid it was easy.

What about Sarah you ask? The perks of a gay relationship, two potential mummies.

Alas, running alongside my fertility saga, hairy faced drama, weight gain/loss/gain/loss fit/fat/fit/fat, comes something much more harrowing.

My darling wife, superstar to all who know her, rock, absolute pinacle of all that is good in my life, received much more life changing news.

We're all about the polycystic in this house - Sarah was diagnosed with autosomal dominant polycystic disease this year; something shes grappled with more and more so over the past few years, but has become more prominent over the past 18 months - and much like my PCOS, she knew something was afoot and finally got the answers she was looking for. Many tests, scans, pokes and prods, and lo' a diagnosis that brings with it fear, anxiety, lifestyle changes, dangers and ultimately a life limited disease that renders our plans to grow old and grey and saggy naggies together into our 80's less likely as we grow old disgracefully together.

In a year that has served up drama left right and centre, a global pandemic, family ill-health, mental health, infertility, an abundance of negative pregnancy tests and crying on the toilet, now serves us a year into our marriage - a shorter happily ever after than we planned.

So for anyone who fancies lending us a kidney or an ovary, just say the word.

I digress.

2020 has been a shit show.

But it has also shown the true depth of strength as to who we are. I've always regarded my bounce backs and the fact I'm alive at 33, is due to some inbuilt strength - in reality, that's not it all. My existence up until recent years, has been entirely thanks to a land of delusion, a mental health disorder and drug addiction that has supported a disengagement with reality, allowing me to exist and cope in my own backwards way.

Who I am now, is a person of resilience, in the face of this drama, trauma, chaos. Something has changed. I keep expected to break. Because who could juggle this?

We can.

We can. I talked to our friends as we walked around an almost frozen lake, and their love and solidarity, warmed my heart and gave me hope.

We can. There is nothing we can't face together. And no matter what the weeks, months and future brings, I am hopeful.

Last night, we received news, of loss, of pain, of death, in the family.

And it should have, could have been the straw that broke the camels back - but we sat together, held hands together, and felt grateful, that in the face of loss - we were oh so lucky to have the life we have together.

And of course it provoked my need to write - because my unfamiliar processing of emotions peaked - what is it to grieve?

I was consumed with sadness, for Sarah, for her family, for what it is to lose a loved one. I was overwhelmed with pride at the work she does in fighting cancer on a daily basis. But as she lay asleep in my arms, I was wide awake.

Ever since I was a child, I've never understood what death is. That someone or something is there and then gone. Remembered and then forgotten. The ceasing to exist always boggled my brain and continues to do so. 

Covid makes it particularly difficult, as we can't rush over and hold the family members that need it. We can't hold the hands of those who want it. We can't mourn together en-mass and remember together.

It's the cost of this chaos.

Whenever someone dies, whenever theres a funeral to plan, to attend, I panic. I worry. I pick up my phone and want so desperately to call my mum and dad and check they are ok, alive in the least, because I know if they are dead and buried, no-one will have told me and it will be up to me to check.

There have been family funerals I've been barred from attending.

There have been family funerals I wish I hadn't, banished from gravesides and the right to mourn.

For the love of god, I only found out my Nana had passed recently and she had been dead for two years - this is the curse I carry as the black sheep and cast out. The life I chose and the family I left behind to build the one I now call mine.

On my wedding day, the family member we lost yesterday and I had a moment.

He took more photos than our photographer. He kissed me and told me how beautiful I looked.

I told him how happy I was that he could be there, and he cried, hugged me, and was so glad he had the chance to see Sarah marry me.

So what is death? It's memories like that, which will forever bring joy and remind me that the family I have now, the family I have the priveldge to be a part of, to build my own with Sarah in whatever way we find possible, makes me the luckiest person in the world.

And no matter how much time we have, every second is worth it, and I won't regret a single one. Never again.

I know who I am. 

Pound of Flesh

 

I shake as a type,

Don’t believe the hype.

Misinformation is everywhere.

And it may well have come from me.

If you could see, me

The one that exists now,

Maybe you’d fight less,

To take away my crown.

But to want, to restore

Justice and glory to your tribe

You come at me,

Harder,

To take what’s mine.

Maybe you see it as yours

After all that’s come before

But it’s not.

I built this post apocolpyse

From the ashes and the dirt

From the breakdown

From the psych wards,

From the closed doors,

Its unfair they shout

Why her they pout

It’s not fair they share

Amongst the war rabble

Gather

Gather

Closer in

Suffocate

Eradicate

All that she is

Pain and pleasure

So intermingled

It’s justice they harp

Aim for the heart

And burn it all

Apart

Tear them

Scare them

Brutal in the truth

Your right

I’m wrong

It’s your line

My song

But your beat

On the battle drum

Fran your time has come

End of days

End of nows

End of futures, pasts and present

To strike you back

With full attack

In a way most unpleasant

Stick you in that room

That will consume

The good the hope the dreams

Because its your fault

YOUR FAULT YOUR FAULT

They scream and scream and scream.

Hate

So much hate

And youre right to feel that way

But that person

That fantasy

Doesn’t exist

Not today

So youre punishing a memory

A night terror

A monster

That stalked the night and day

But your adamant

So adamant the monster has to pay

Take it all

Take the hope

The life, the liberty

Take the friends, take the love,

Destroy the family

She deserves it

Punish her

Push her face into the ground

Suffocate her

With our honest truths

So she can’t make another sound.

Danger such danger

The words that she can speak

And the lies she tells

Just watch her

She will start to leak.

The façade the mask the lovely face of day

It’s fake you know,

We’ll show you so,

We will wash it all away.

In flames of fire and integrity

We will show you who she is

The demon the defrauder the monster deep within

She got married you know

God help the girl

Who fell for her lines

Because shes poison

Yes shes poison

And it starts from deep inside

Smiles, All smiles

As she lies to your face

We will protect the world

TO make so sure

They don’t suffer the same disgrace.

 

Stop this please

JUST LOOK AT ME

LOOK AT ME AND SEE

 This demon, the monster,

It really isn’t me.

You got caught in the storm

You washed ashore

And I promised a life line

But the life line

The rope

It chokes

It broke

It died.

Stop this please

Stop this now.

I can’t breathe

You’re consuming me

You’re killing me

And taking all that’s good

I hate myself

I hate it

I do, I’ve paid the price

To live with this

It’s costly, its penance enough

So pounds are paid in cash and flesh

And still you want more

You won’t stop

I see

I know that now

Until I’m back down on the floor

Under foot

Under stood

To know my place

But you don’t know me

You don’t see how I’ve changed everything but my face

I worked

I fought

I drowned

Then swam

And floated back up

To breathe again

I can’t sleep again

I’m scared again

I can’t

Please stop. Just stop.

I can’t do this

I’ve given you all I’ve got.

I’m good

I’m kind

I’m here.

I’m sorry

Please stop being so blind.

Christmas Card

I got a card in the post one Christmas,

It had a photo of boy,

With eyes like mine.

Merry Christmas

From a stranger

Who's name was Edward.

I don't know anyone called Edward.

But I do love a good Christmas card.

I read it ten times or more,

Sat on the piano stool practicing my scales.

Then like a scene from Harry Potter,

The Dursleys snapped what was mine,

Precious in pen,

And it disappeared never to be seen again.

Why though

How though

Who was this invisible boy?

Why did he write to me?

Was he a pen pal?

Maybe he was looking for a friend,

I know I needed one.

What perfect circumstance brought you to my door?

Well now you're embers in the Christmas family hearth

Burning,

Like the questions in my heart.

And then there's your name again, in type cast,

Council special.

The kind of black and white text that says "worry"

The kind of black and white text of NHS letters,

Bail notices, court orders, and social services supreme.

E d w a r d

Brother.

Oh there you are.

And look there's more.

Trawl the typography and you'll find her.

Donna.

I've never heard that name before.

Who are you?

Sister.

Well this is new.

A family on page two.

I would have liked to know you.

I suppose better late than never.

I wish I had understood your letter.

The postmark,

Where you were,

Why you wrote.

I feel like it's not just time they stole.

It's the hammering,

Chisling in my heart,

To widen and deepen this hole.

I know I have parts missing

And I've been looking for a link

And there you were,

In pen and ink.

I've been wondering why I don't feel myself,

Why I don't fit here,

And it's only now it makes sense.

Because I've got you here.

And I hold you dear.

Love.

For pieces that got lost along the way.

For parts of me that never got a say.

We're like a jigsaw

And you can tell we were made by the Irish

Because none of the pieces fit quite right

But theres something in the silence of knowing you,

That makes me feel like things could now be alright.

I wrote today that I wish I could have grown up with you

And that's a childhood dream,

But I wouldn't change it, because you wouldn't want to see what I've seen.

I wouldn't have wanted to be that person,

The one I was before,

Because I was cold and mean.

Time has taught me to be kinder,

Hopeful.

Love harder, softer.

And open up parts of me that have never seen the light.

Because I trust that you are me, and I am you,

And we always win

We always fight.

I've done things wrong,

That I try to put right,

And you hold up my integrity.

Through your love of me

And you see all that is true

Because your family

Because you are you.

I wanted to know what love meant

And I spent years trying to find out

I made friends,

Lost more,

Broke my heart

Broke theirs too

It was all the long road

The long game

Of fate leading me to you.

So hello brother

Hello sister

I've missed you

And I'm so glad that your hear

Because it's 2020

And when covid says we can't breathe,

I can, for the first time in my life.

To love you

My wife,

I've built my little nest,

And I've gotta tell you,

It really is the best <3

World Suicide Prevention Day - a little late

This week was "world suicide prevention day" and I saw an abundance of moving stories, blogs, vlogs, status updates and I wanted to write my piece, but I couldn't.

I only write when compelled, when an emotion evokes my need to. I call it my exorcism. Often when I am overwhelmed, caught off guard, suffocated by past, present and future and as much as I wanted to write, the words wouldn't come.

And then today, whilst lying on a doctors table, he asked me to take down my jeans and it triggered two responses in my brain - 1) I once read in my child court case records that the first time a doctor asked me to do that after I was rescued from the horrors of biological parental care, I screamed the place down and refused and fought the poor man off.

And 2) I slid my jeans down, first thought, my thighs are tighter, the gym is paying off, they look GOOD, but they remain scared, and whilst the doctor did his thing, finding out whats happening with my fertility, I focused on the scars on my thighs and I was caught in a paradox in time; there was a Fran on this earth that used to cut those beautiful thighs and hide them, and now there's a Fran that see's the scars, remembers the pain and every reason, for every white line, every cry, but it's not me anymore, this Fran is lying on a doctors table getting the answers Sarah and I so deserve on our road to baby making.

World suicide awareness day; a strange thing isn't it? In 2020? When we talk about it all so openly, I didn't think as a teenager I would ever see the day where people who had suffered in silence, were able to step into the light and turn something so heart wrenching into something so magically positive. We are all survivors, and we stand side by side, through the mediums of social media, sharing our words, our stories, our pain and we heal, together.

Two poignant moments in my life where suicide was more than a cry for help, it was a goodbye.

Christmas Day 2010. Alone, in halls of residence, no family. Cut out and left to sit for the first time in my adult life, lonely, surrounded by gifts I had bought my family.

I drank and I raged, I smashed up my flat, I launched the Christmas tree across the room, smashed my phone on the kitchen floor, and then swallowed every pill I had in the house...only to be found in a puddle of purple sick by a concerned porter who had heard the commotion and duly took me to the A & E that was literally and thankfully, directly opposite my flat at the time.

I spent Christmas night 2010, with needles in my arms, pin pricks in my feet, holes in my body where they couldn't find a vein, like a voodoo doll. Alone.

My marks and spencer turkey a thing of the past, and 20 cans of strongbow cider, tracing my steps like an alcoholics version of Hansel and Gretel showing the way I came.

I lost my mind.

I broke.

I've only felt like that twice in my life.

The first was that Christmas Day, alone. And the second was in 2017 in the fall out of the business collapse.

The second time began with alcohol, pills, not enough, so I got angry, a kitchen knife, cuts, running out of the house with my then fiance on the phone to the police trying to get me some help. I ran, faster than I ever have.

And there I found a bridge, and I let my feet dangle over cold cold water. Looking at my drunken angry lost and broken reflection. My hands gripped the brick, the dust stuck to the palms of my sweaty hands. Mascara down my face. Who was that girl looking back at me? Because I didn't recognise her? I don't recognise her.

Do it.

Drop.

Like a stone, to the bottom of that cold canal. Take a deep breath and fall through the air. And all that pain, will be gone.

All that pressure. All that hate. All that debt. All the lies. Hopes. Dreams. Failures. Wash it away like it's a page from the bible and sink to the bottom, because that darkness that ripples and reflects back at you sat there on that bridge, it's in you and drowning is easier than this.

Sirens.

Lights. They zoom past, up to our house, our home. The home I broke, with the knocks on the door, the screaming the shouting. The bullshit I brought to our door. I took your safe place and the only way to give it back, is to go now.

I step off the bridge, walk round the tow path, and dangle my legs over the side, toes touching the water.

Phone ringing. Sirens louder. They're getting closer.

And as if held back by something that's not there, I lean forward, shoes in the water now, and I answer the phone. Policeman. Come home.

I sit.

I breathe.

I stand up and I walk home. Wet.

Then it's hospital.

The part of my brain that tears up the good parts of my life doesn't exist as much these days, with therapy, lots of therapy, medication and the most work I've ever had to do to change, it's quieter, but it still whispers on dark days.

I stood on our balcony last week, in the pouring rain, looking out over the city lights and it was like a cold hand on my shoulder, creeping into my safe place, my happy heart, and I hushed it before it spoke.

The dragon, stoking the fire.

"You're still her and the world would be better without a girl like you,"

"You're still dangerous, no-one believes this new you, you don't do you?"

And I turned the ring on my wedding finger and breathed in the first cold nights air, September breeze and before I had chance to entertain the chaos, there were arms wrapped around my waist and a kinder whisper of reality from my wife "come inside,"

And a song, that's kept my brain in it's safe place - I'm obsessed, and everytime I listen to it, it inspires something new in me, but more than that, it strikes me to the core, and if there was ever an anthem thats appropriate to my emotion writing this piece its this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsiVvkzCdSI

Every so often in my life, I find a song, and the lyrics, tone, tune, all of it, becomes this celestial moment where everything the artist is singing, entwines with how I feel. Well, tay-tay, you've tapped into my heart on this one. It's changed my perspective. But more than that, it's given me hope. And I really, really just needed it.

Sometimes, in the dark places, spaces, when we entertain the concept of death, the end, the better offs, the what ifs, it's love that pulls us back, and that's a beautiful blessing.

Sometimes, and more often than we care to admit, it's just us. Staring our choice down. Swim or drown. And it's only in those moments you realise that what you brought here was never weakness, it was the coming back that was always your strength.

So for those of you who hear the whisper, even in the best of times, when we are all smiles, and life is good. The devil on the shoulder plays havoc no matter what.

Remember, you chose life. Even if it took you to a hospital bed, wired up. Even if took you to feeling your feet in the water.

It's too cliche and too disrespectful to say "you're alive, feel blessed, live each day like it's your last, life's a gift," when happy clappy fuck wits and therapists say that to me, I try not to laugh.

It may well be, and it may be viewed as wasteful, squandering to throw it away, once, twice, twenty times, it doesn't matter. No-one has the right to tell you you were wrong, and that you're ok now.

Forever and a day, it will always be ok to say

I'm not ok.

The bearded lady

Pee on a stick

Pee on a jar

Pee for the doctor

Pee.

It has become an every day part of my life.

And I am little prude when it comes to discussing things like that, so it's been quite the journey thus far.

I am resisting the urge to go into the city centre and buy another pregnancy test.

1) I'm alarmingly skint, on month 4 of furlough salary and

2) There is literally no point paying £7, it is literally pissing money up the wall.

See what I did there?

I've lost count of the amount of pregnancy tests we have bought, let alone the cost.

We've tried every brand of ovulation test under the sun, every app, a little chart that lives on our fridge, all of it.

Being married to a scientist ensures a procedural like methodolgy to baby making.

Times, temperatures, dates.

I've become a living breathing experiment.

Fertility denied our referral based on the fact they think it's "likely" that I am indeed ovulating, my so-called regular periods denote as such.

Then why, oh why, after our 1,000,000 attempt at getting pregnant, are we no closer?

The doctors ran a full blood panel and told me I had such low progersterone levels that ovulation was an inpossibility.

Prior to that, an a few years ago, the doctors told me I had the hormone levels of a post-menopausal woman so that doesn't exactly inspire confidence.

So I am frustated.

Sat at my kitchen table, now working part time, I have thrown myself into work and I am excited to regain my structure and my purpose, any more at home doing nothing time and I would have lost the plot.

But there are still moments in the day, due to working at home, where I can't escape wondering.

What is wrong with me?

Is it the weight?

Because I see much fatter birds than me pushing prams a plenty

Is it the hormones? If so, why do the doctors keep ruling out PCOS?

Guys, I'm going to share something that only my darling wife knows and loves me for regardless.

I am a bearded lady.

I kid you not, were it not for my handy friend gilette, I would look like that lady in the greatest showman by mid week.

My hair, my once beautiful hair, falls out, beyond measure. And no matter how gentle I am, what products I use, handfuls leave me on a daily basis.

The irony, too much fucking hair on my face and not enough on my head.

How's that femininity?

I think we have become so obsessed with the "expected aesthetic" than many of us who are not particualry "normal" hide our 5 oclock shadows,.... in the shadows, for fear of mockery, shame and perceived lack of feminiinty.

Don't get me wrong, I can be a big butch dyke when I want to be, and I own it, I am proud of who I am, and I use that word as a positive identity, not a negative slur.

But equally, I love pretty dresses and lacy bras, and makeup and shoes, just as much as the next girl. Which is hard to pair - the heel with the stubble.

The flat with the hairy leg

The flowy dress with tarzan swinging by.

So when my hormones are literally failing me, I am irrationally pissed off.

I can gym it, slim it, and eat a vegan diet until I'm an NHS worthy BMI, yes I can, but lord help me, someone fix me.

I spoke with the doctor yesterday to ask for help, we've done our research, I've had the scans, there are no cysts on my ovaries, but I do have a hairy fucking face and insane periods that lurge from one extreme to the other.

As I type this I'm on ady 33 of my cycle, which used to be a normal 28 predicted to a T situation.

Some months I can hit the gym, go for a swim and barely notice it, other months I feel like auditioning for Carrie.

TMI.

I know, I'm sorry.

But you know me, open book policy and sharing is caring.

I feel like I'm failing.

We took our most recent pregnancy test on Sunday and I closed my eyes and made Sarah look first, we were both still that little bit hopeful despite promising ourselves not to get our hopes up.

I cried as soon as I saw that glaring singular line staring at me, and of course, as any hopefuly hoping to get pregnant lady will do, I shone a light and looked at that damn test in every which direction, squinting for the sign of a second line. ALas, if it's not there on first glance, it's not there.

It's so frustrating.

I lay in Sarahs arms in our bed and the only words I could muster were 

"I'm sorry,"

And she laughed and then gave me a stern look.

Sarahs stern looks are serious business.

So I got a little grumpy with the GP on the phone.

He says no chance of ovulation, therefore, not producing an egg, which makes our monthly attempts rather silly.

Fertility clinic say, yes, could be ovulating, no reason to think otherwise.

No reason other than a big fat blood test result that says so.

I had a little rant about my hairy face and my erratic monthlies and that these factors were major playerse when it came to PCOS and that just because a random ultrasound "x" amount of years ago, showed no cysts it didn't mean there were no issues.

I mean, for one, constant flare ups of pelvic inflammatory disease for one, thanks to undiagnosed "clap" from delightful sexaul predator, the irony, the gift of a pregnancy and an STD, neither of which were welcome.

And now, I suffer from the fall out on both fronts.

THANKS.

I want to run to the shop and buy doughnuts.

And eat a pack of 5

But I'm not going to.

Because what good would that do? Aside from put me further back from my goal?

When we got another negative on Sunday, I had my cry and then got up and at it, went to the gym and smashed through a 700 calorie workout.

Not a doughnut in sight.

For me to get to a NHS worthy BMI, I'm looking at loosing 4 more stone, thats still quite the mountain to climb, but whilst we are waiting for them decide what the hell is wrong with my baby making equipment, it gives me some time to keep at it.

We have sickening stresses in our lives, both Sarah and I, things that go on behind the scenes and would keep even you, my avid readers up at night.

Stress leads to high levels of cortisol, high levels of cortisol reduce progesterone levels.

Stress leads to fucked up fertility.

Theres no amount of citalopram on planet earth that would take out some of the major stresses ongoing.

Stress of big shit.

Stress of little shit

Stress of fertility shit.

I'm surprised I don't have grey hair - well, depending on how long it lasts.

So after much grumping, I'm going to drink a glass of water, have a decaf tea and get back to doing what I'm good at - working my ass off.

For all my hairy faced sisters out there, stay postive, we are all in this together.

It can be absolutely mind numbing and heart breaking for you and your partner, but the pay off will be so so worth it, no matter how it happens xxx

I Eat

If you open my cupboards on this sunny tuesday afternoon, you will find an abundance of long haul, safety net foods.

We are talking tins, pastas, pulses, rice, the whole nine yards.

We've got protein bars, healthy snack bars, enough fruit, nuts and seeds to feed the pigeon population of Manchester (aside from the scalding danger of £150 fine of course)

In the freezer you will find meat, fish, veggies, leftovers, the same goes for the fridge.

Laden with jars, and tubs of essentials to ensure never a meal is lost, or missed, or yearned for.

Why?

Because I'm a chubby fucker?

No.

Because since holding down a job that I love, or any job, for that matter, and having ensured an income of some kind for myself, thats reliable, no matter how big or small, the one thing that will always be wherever I am is food.

This is not some fat girls neverland, where the cupboards buldge and strain under the weight of a tesco shop gone mad.

This is a scared little girls habit.

For as long as I remember, food has been a priority. Stashing it, stealing it, hiding it, keeping it longer than it should be kept, to the point of disgust.

Buying it, storing it, eating it.

When I was first adopted into the middle class land of the Cheshirite wonder couple, I began taking food from my plate at meal times and stashing it in strange places in my bedroom. Under the bed, in my knicker drawer, under the wardrobe where there was a little alcove.

Bits of sandwiches, satsumas, all of which would crinkle and rot and stink out the place.

My mother would follow the scent of sad foods fate and find green and scary looking bits and pieces dotted around the house.

She called it my most disgusting habit. Her favourite word was "slut" and it made me giggle up to my teenage years for the fact I thought she had misunderstood its meaning, alas, she soon came to apply it in both terms of "slovenly, slut," and "slutty mc slut pants, living the lesbian dream,"

Needless to say, my strange relationship with food has been a lifetime affair.

And there is a perfectly good reason for it.

Many times I self reflect and look at my behaviours and think "why the fuck did you do that?" "why did you say that?" and I'm left mind boggled with no bloody idea other than that, "it just happened"

But where food is concerned, it's really quite clear cut.

Pre-adoption I bounced around foster homes, some good, some bad, some where food was plentiful and wonderful and some where food was a punishment and a chore.

Before foster care, was life in London town or indeed up north, where food was the last priority on the list.

My brother and I were born into a turbulent and abusive family, where alcohol and drugs took precedent over the basic needs of a child, like food, water, cleanliness, hygiene.

My child court case records cite on so many pages the lack of sanitary care applied to us as children, and as its most relevant to this piece of writing - the complete malnutrition we suffered at the hands of two people who just didn't care.

Horrors upon these pages talk of abuse, physical, sexual, and the absolute absence of safety and basic childcare necessities.

Stories of bedsores, piss stained children, dirty bodies and matted hair, scantily dressed, if at all, empty fridges and cupboards, and social worker notes that even on paper sound horrified by the conditions we were so often found in.

I write "so often" as social services for some unknown reason let us go back, time and time again, the prospective mother had turned over a new leaf and decided she fancied another crack at having children, only to read three pages on, that I, for example, had been found in the care of my sexual predator of a father, who had a knife in his hands, and had the police talk him down from suicide and violence as I sat on his knee. I delightful read. Not quite Stephen King, but equally as harrowing.

Alas, the food.

Ah, the food.

Or lack of it.

By the time I was put into foster care, my brother was hooked up to a bunch of hospital machines to get him better, such was his malnurtition and bedsores from lying in his own filth, that we spent what felt like forever as a little girl, apart.

I was alone for the first time in my life. With strangers. And my only solace, was food.

The fact that there was food, was a marvel, a novelty, I was greedy.

When we were together again, we enjoyed our best friends forever relationship, Fran and Jay against the world, we had overcome such horror together, that nothing would stand in ur way, and we would do it all, together.

Cue, excellent foster parents, truly, the dream, and food, so plentiful. More than, love.

And an understanding of Fran the secret stasher.

I had the absolute pleasure of reconnecting with my foster parents a few years ago, and having thought often of my food habits, I asked freely : "if I had stashed food the same way with you, what would you have done?"

My beautiful foster mothers response? "Put a little lunch box under your bed with things in and change it as often as needed to make sure you knew there was always something there,"

THIS my friends.

FUCKING THIS.

This is the response of a loving mother.

Not "slut"

Not "disgusting"

Not fat shaming, behaviour shaming, undermining, belittling.

My delighful mother could never grasp the roots of my strange food addiction, despite having read, seen and heard the full horrific accounts of my beginnings, my mother, my dirty pig of a father, and despite being a woman of the law, she lacked the basic empathy that would have made her a decent comrade and confidante.

We were never meant to be friends, or understand one another, because she was too preoccupied with perfect as opposed to perversion.

I sit now, at 33, writing at my kitchen table, aware, that at my weight, being obsese, as per the bmi scale, that something has gone horribly wrong.

And I know it.

That my relationship and dependence on the security and comfort of food, my one true best friend, is as devastating to my health, as my addiction to cocaine was.

At least with cocaine I was thinner!

I eat when I am happy.

I eat when I am sad.

I eat when I lack purpose.

I eat.

Because it is a huge part of who I am.

I didn't engage with my parents growing up, I was too troubled, and they were too focused on their own priorities and specificities of raising a child should be.

My brother was a clean slate, and recovered brilliantly, slotting into the perfect family ideal with issue and this remains true to this day.

He doesn't have the same toxicity for food, or anything else for that matter, becasuse he was shaped by a family that I do believe genuinely love him, for who he is, because he is theirs.

I am not.

I am many things.

Drastically successful despite hurdles.

Drastically regretful and consumed by ghosts.

Desperately apologetic for all the shit that has come to pass.

And still, entangled in the fatty wonders of the world.

I could eat and eat until I feel sick.

And I have.

Filling a literal void.

An emotional one.

I didn't know how to build relationships for a long time, so my relationship and longest lasting to date, is that of me and Mcdonalds, or Mcvities.

When I was homeless, food was paramount. A sandwich here, a tin of cold beans there, and when I was living in the depths of depravity in a brothel, the McDonalds burgers given to me by the delightful Italian pimp Steve for doing "a good job" were literally heaven.

I once lost my temper with Sarahs father, well and truly lost my temper. I was enraged.

We sat at a McDonalds drive through and he ordered a multitude of things willy nilly, ate them without pause or thought or thanks and I thought, you ungrateful prick.

I watched him eat two double cheeseburgers in mere minutes and I thought "do you know how many hand jobs I would have had to give to get two fucking cheeseburgers?"

The gratitude I would have felt to be allowed to eat.

Locked in a dodgy warehouse in North London surrounded by sleazy men and Eastern European women who would sooner kill you for your burger than praise you for a good weeks work!

And I thought, am I wrong? Is this irrational?

How do people treat food with such fickle nature?

Such disregard and lack of appreciation?

Now I am settled, I am home, I safe, I am stable, I am loved.

I cook with love, and adoration for all that I do, that I share.

My favourite time of the month is when I do the big online food shop, this is my task and honour, and mine alone, I stock the house with things I know Sarah loves, that I love, that we will cook together and I admit, yes, lately, the big online shop has been so much better for us.

Less Turnocks teacakes and much more lettuce. This is good.

Slowly but surely, I am moving away from my dependence.

I have had outrageously sad times of late, manically depressing moments, mental health has taken hold of me, stress has savaged and ravaged me, but my inclination to eat it all has faded.

I make better choices, but the relationship is still there.

Now I choose calorie deficit and less gross foods.

As opposed to lurching from one extreme diet to the next.

I used to favour the maple syrup diet, obsessed, truly.

It was brothers 18th and I knew my parents would berate me if I came home from Uni fat, and I had been living the ladette life of lesbianism, ciders, snakebites and pints a plenty.

So two weeks before returning home, knowing there was a size 14 Karen Millen dress that required my attention, I hit the maple syrup diet, dropped two dress sizes, wore the fuck out of the little black number, wowed everyone and then was back in Wales in boxers, baggy jeans and pizza boxes before you could say boo to a goose.

The yo-yo of "what will mummy and daddy think"

And we all know how wonderful tactile my father is when it comes to fat Fran. If the man can't muster a compliment on my wedding day, I'm pretty sure dropped to a size 10 won't make any difference.

Now is the time.

Now is the only time.

I am getting older.

And if I have hopes of a long, happy, healthy marraige and life with my wife and our future plans, I am going to have to breakup with my one true love, not Sarah of course, food!

I'm sorry McDonalds, and KFC, your profit margins are about to dip, because for the sake of my family and my own happiness, it's time we took a break.

Truly,

It's not you, it's me.

It's just love

I don't know how you do it

I don't know how you find the time, 

To smile,

And not cry.

How you've gone all this time,

And put up with the worst parts of me,

All of my lies.

You're unbreakable,

Formidable, 

And I'm constantly in awe of the wonder of you.

Yesterday you looked so sad,

I had to take a minute out,

When you weren't looking,

I had a breath,

A tear and came to save the day.

With my words,

My mighty sword.

It's the least I can do for you my love.

Because I'll protect you,

Like sometimes I haven't 

From it all,

The dark places, spaces,

The footsteps that make you stop.

Drop.

Heart beats fast.

It's ok wife, love of my life,

I've got you

I promise.

Hold my hand tighter.

No-one can hurt you now.

I cried through my vows,

I couldn't get a single word out,

And I had practicsed,

When you were at work

And I was home alone,

I'd recite the words we wrote together,

Over and over,

I knew them all.

And when the moment came, 

They got caught in my mouth,

And all I could do was breath,

Breath you in

Breath you out.

So beautiful

You stopped me in my tracks

You do every day

I catch you,

Serious faces

Working faces

Smiling,

Crying,

Laughing,

Loving.

I get to glimpse them all,

Lucky me.

But yesterday my love,

Such sadness crept upon that face 

And shone through your bright eyes

And i was angry

I am angry

I wish I could do more

You get upset when you read my writing sometimes,

You feel my pain

You see it on my face

Yesterday I saw yours and I wanted to make it better

What can I do

How can I love you more

Support you

Fix you

Make it better

Tell me love

I'll do whatever it takes

It's higher stakes

Now I know who I am

And you helped me unravel the road

Saw the good 

Saw the pure

You write me love notes,

You write me poetry

You love me

And it's heaven.

So I write for you,

I write to fight

TO make a change,

To bring you peace

Or give you back the piece 

That he stole

That I stole

The parts that faded away

And faded to grey

We'll make them bright again

Take my paintbrush and go wild

Show me your creative side

Not a white wash

Not blanket approach

Let's do it properly

Create art

Love,

Hope,

Babies and so much more,

I'll do it all

For you my love,

My Sarah,

Who I adore

They don't lurk anymore

I'm having a Fran grump.

Take cover.

I am no stranger to the criminal justice system, this we know.

More than is a healthy relationship and more often than not, leaves me crippled in an emotional mental health heap that usually requires professional help.

I say usually, always.

Alas, upon reading my favourite local newspaper, and one that has been kind to me in the past, I'm enraged.

There have been moments over the past few years, where I have seen an article that provokes my anger and out of care and sensitivity to Sarah, I've let it lie and held my tongue.

Today is not one of those days.

However it began as all good days do.

Coffee, kisses, breakfast, and at least for Sarah, working from home today and me meandering through another fruitful furlough Wednesday....

A little scroll through social media, and for the second time this week, there is an article about a woman being fined £150 for littering, nay, dropping a bit of butty for a pigeon to snack on.

Scandalous.

In Piccadilly Gardens non the less! Because of course, in the armpit of Manchester City Centre, a rogue baguette is what one should focus on, not the spice epidemic, the systematic and increasingly alarming rate of homelessness and poverty, no no, its some poor girls lunch scraps.

Dare I say, £150 seems a little exessive for odds and ends of Greggs delights, especially when paired with the fine assigned to an actual crime - the attempted rape of my now wife, and beautiful partner, Sarah.

Of course, that's not what Manchester Magistrates called it, when the man in question was sentenced back in 2012.

No, it was an attempted sexual assualt, and considering this man was "known" to police, and this was not his first offence, HOW, how, that disgusting bastard got off with the following sentence, I will never ever understand.

"A 7pm curfew, a ban from Piccadilly Gardens for "x" amount of months, and a victim compensation order of £150,"

This is a man who sat opposite Sarah outside the court room, and grinned as he walked in to enter a last minute guilty plea - a guilty plea in this country generally denotes a third reduction in sentencing, which is often not received well when entered at the point of entering a plea, not entering a trial.

The spineless shit.

One would hope, that as per the sentencing guildelines of our so-called justice system, and having been and on the receiving end as such, that a man, who has been apprehened and known to the police for attacking and stalking young women in the city of Manchester on countless occasions, would not walk away from a court room a free man.

We had had a wonderful night out with friends, at a classic student haunt, because, at the time, Sarah was indeed a student.

And as all students do in this fair city of ours, they get the magic bus back to Fallowfield or yonder.

And so, we walked, via a particularly good chinese take out place, through China town and towards the bus station.

Upon leaving China town, we felt a presence and heard footsteps behind us. Holding hands, and said bag of Chinese food, we walked a little quicker, so did the footsteps behind us, Sarah stepped closer to me and we turned the corner at Marks and Spencers on Piccadilly Plaza or whatever the fuck they call it these days and POUNCE.

I was pushed out of the way, bag of chinese food in hand and Sarah was dragged from my grip and into a dark and dingy alcove, with perverted mans hands and breath in places no sick fucks hands and breath should be.

I gathered myself and grabbed the fucker. Sarah had managed to push him off, before said hands could enter places I would chop said fuckers hands off for touching.

Somewhere in between flashbacks to my own trauma, I chased that prick across Piccadilly Gardens.

Now this in itself, is no wonderwoman feat, because in all reality, it should have been the middle aged StageCoach bus driver who had watched the entire ordeal and done NOTHING, and duly seen the pervert flee and done NOTHING.

Sarah rang 999 and I pursued the wannabe rapist.

And there in Piccadilly Gardens, I held him, until the Police arrived on seen, and in my rage I asked him why the fuck he felt he had the right to do this and he looked me dead in the eye and said "because you girls make it so easy,"

He was carted into the back of a police van where they took his details and the police officer who arrested him, told us he was known to them for this sort of thing.

Disgusting.

That a dirty little prick like that was lurking in Piccadilly Gardens and freely.

The policeman gave Sarah some lovely advice, to keep her house key in her hand and should anyone ever accost her again, to poke them in the eye with said key.

However, in this fair city, it would seem more likely Sarah would get done for assualt than this monster for predatory behaviour.

And lo' the defence for this penis pending?

A cultural misunderstanding.

In his country, he told the judge, this sort of thing was acceptable.

Which is fine love.

But you're in Manchester now and the law says NO FUCKING WAY.

Or apparently, slap slap naughty dick, keep it in your pants, stay away from the area and try and behave yourself.

Several months later, and on her birthday non the less, Sarah got a cheque for £20 in the post from the victims compensation. Poor little pervert apparently couldn't afford the compensation order of £150 and was paying in installments.

Well also, FUCK YOU. As when I had a stonker of a victim compensation order to pay and rightly so, "couldn't afford," did not come into it.

As far as the CJS consider fraud and compensation, if you don't pay, you go before a judge and you go to jail.

If you snatch at the pants of a young woman in the dark spots of Piccadilly Gardens however, you can pay in pennies if you like.

I digress.

£150 for feeding / accidentally feeding the pigeons of Manchester seems a little steep, and a little out of sorts with what the real priorities should be for the delgihts of Piccadilly Gardens.

Might I recommend investing in some CCTV perhaps?

Use these fines to make it a safer place?

Because upon charging this bastard, the police told Sarah and I, without doubt, there was no available CCTV footage to show the judge.

I have walked and walked for years and years through the gauntlet of big brother that is the piccadilly precinct and I can tell you, as you fellow Mancs will know, there are fucking globe CCTV cameras everywhere, one in particular, outside Marks and SPencer.

I myself traunched into City Tower to demand the footage, and was told by the police that my vigilante justice would do no good.

Well I can assure you PC fuckwit, if I ever, and I mean ever, see that bastard again, I hope there is no CCTV to show in a courtroom of what I would do.

It took every fibre of my being not to rip him limb from limb when I had him in my hands, but I gave him to you to punish, and you didn't.

And yet, the MEN will continue to report bullshit stories whereby someone had their leg touched on a bus and the world stopped to find the sicko that did it.

Some pervert grabbed an arse or a tit unsolicited and it is disgusting but it has become so unpunished and unchecked that it is somehow unafraid.

These men that lurk, don't lurk.

They wait. They follow. They slalk. They grab. They grope. They leer, sneer, photograph, and ultimately traumatise the women of this city. 

Because for women, and for sexual assualt, and rape there is no justice.

So if you see me feeding the pigeons, you can kiss my fucking arse.

Let's just call it a cultural misunderstanding, because in my country, we love the fucking pigeons mate.

The Fat Shame Blame Game

It's been bugging me.

It's been over a year, but it's really getting under my skin.

The whole "Why the fuck arn't you thin?"


Picture this, you've had your make up done.
Your big sister has done your hair.
You've never looked more beautiful.
Truly. You.

Lace, clinging to breast, bottom, strong arms, feminine wonderment.
The music you chose is radiating through the big oak door that separates you from your one true love.

The Book of Love, Peter Gabriel, you've listened to it 100 times, but today, the whisper that seeps through the door means that on the other side, shes gliding, towards the waiting point, to the finish line, the moment you've both waited for, for, well forever.

It's heaven. It's everything you had hoped it would be.
And then there's a joke
"You should probably ask the diet plan for your money back,"

And the smile on your face falters.
The music keeps playing, and it's nearly your turn.

You look up, taller than you.
Thats the fathers roll.
To stand tall and proud and walk the daugher down the aisle.
And after all we've been through and how much it has taken to get us both here,
In this moment.
I don't want this.

Please be better, just for today.
I did it for you. Could you not just do it for me?

And my glorious lace, suddently feels tight and clingy,
Gripped to all the vunerable places
The makeup doesnt feel enough
The hair feels it should be more
And I'm her again.

And it's you.
It's always you.

The door swings open,
The music loud now,
We walk.
Everyone is smiling.
I'm smiling.
But I'm in shock.
Can they see it in my face?
Smile Fran smile.
Big Barker smile now.
All is well
All is fine.

Practice makes perfect.

He's on my dress
Stepping on the fucking lace drape.
"Come on, you're not on your skateboard now," he whispers with a laugh

I'm not gliding.
I'm falling.
Into the same old trap.
What was I thinking?

That you would be good for me?
When have you ever been good for me?

You used to say all I did was take take take,
But thats what you do.
You take away me.
Who I am.

I've made a mistake.
I dreamt of this moment.
But it's all wrong.

There she is.
Like an angel in white.
If this is heaven,
My grandma was right,
Because it's beauty like I've never seen.
Now I'm smiling,
Really smiling,
Because I'm drowning you out.

It's her,
Its all about her.
She's my future.
She's my family.
And the look on her face says everything I need to hear right now.
I am beautiful.
And the lace, it's mind blowing.
It's - fuck me, that girls going to be my wife.

We stand together.
Locked in love.
The registrar asks parents to stand and offer their support of our marriage.
Her parents creep forward,
So do you.
The lady askes if you will support us in love and happiness.
You say "I will"
On cue
Good work.
And then whisper "you're on your own now,"

It's almost sinister.
Are you trying to ruin this for me?
Is that your way of saying this is it?
You've done your bit
You've done the pain, the shame, and now the walk?

The photographer is floating in and out
He's careful
He's been pre-warned by me
No photos of you
Of us
You told me no
And that if you saw any, you would "sue me until the end of time,"

I should have known then this was a terrible idea
The shame you feel to be in the same room as me
It hasn't changed
Years and years of carrying your conscience along with mine.
No more
Take your Ebendezer Scrooge chains and FUCK OFF.

Take your stupid speeches and cutting remarks and leave.
Get out of my life
Stay away from my wife
Because you have no place here now.

Your speech shocked the people I love and care for
And who love me through and through
You spoke and poked fun at me,
You made a fat joke or two,
You spoke with a tone of disappointment and then one of relief
And everyone in the room felt it.
Everyone in the room saw it.

When people who meet me ask about my family,
I saw we don't speak.
When friends ask, and we grow in trust,
I tell them I broke your heart and you broke mine.
I tell them of things that have happened,
And it becomes a characture,
People can't comprehened it.

And then you stand infront of a crowd of happy faces
And you turn it cold.
And they lurch in anger
And lean back for me

After your speech on my wedding day,
The only thing anyone had to say to me was
"Are you ok?"

You understand how insane that is right?

Needless to say, things improved after you left.

I think it took to see you in your true glory,
On the biggest day of my life to know we have no way back.
To know that you are not me
And I am not you.

But I have to tell you
Your voice is stuck in my head.

Last week we found out our pregnancy plans are fucked.
And I know alot of that is weight related.
And all I can hear is you.
I told you so
I told you so

Every diet day I've had since I got married
It's been you
Bouncing around in my mind

And I defy your voice and think FUCK YOU
I'm perfect the way I am
I have a tantrum, fight back
Settle with my body shape
And plod on in defiance.

No more.

My heart broke.
I'm married.
I'm happy.
I'm hopeful.
I have a family.
I have friends who make my life a wonderful thing.
All we want is a baby.
And we can't.
It's some sort of sick joke.

And I think of you.
I think, did you feel this pain when you tried?
Did your heart break because you couldn't?
Did it break more when you got me?

And what about mummy?
I feel this emptiness, this feeling of failure
And I feel sorry for her,
That she felt this pain too.
That she suffered through months of trying,
Waiting,
Failing.
And I wonder what it was that lead you to me.
Fate.

And then I remember, you've got Fran part two
At the age of 142 might I add.
Your chance at redemption.
Your second attempt.
You should have stopped with the baby making by now.

I pray to god that child is not fat.
Or whatever you guys deem fat is?

Is it trying in DKNY jeans in Harrods and making your daughter cry
Because you told the sales assisstant "I know, she's really fat,"
Is it fat shaming your daugher on her wedding day?
Is it pinching in inch every time you've seen me for the past ten years?

I genuinely can't remember seeing you in the past decade where you haven't mentioned my weight.
Not one time.

It gets a little boring I know.
Blaming you for my problems.
Poor little Fran,
Always looking for the bad guy.

Alas, in this circumstance,
It is indeed you.

I can't explain how much I have hated the body I am
I can't explain how much I have been trapped in mind,
And blamed myself. For all of it.
Ugly inside and out.
That's how you have made me feel.
And I'm old enough to know better.
You're certainly old enough to be better.

I guess we're both still learning.

Call this what you want,
It's a wake up call,
It's an exorcism.

I'm 16lbs lighter than my wedding day, with 3 stone more to go.
We'll get pregnant, we will have a child, and it will grow to be the most beautiful wonderful proud part of our lives.
No matter who what how.
And you won't get a say.

Sarah's biggest fear was that I would bring you into our childrens future.
That you would say things to them, the way you do with me.
She couldn't tell me no.
She was just clever enough to know I would figure it out on my own.

I've had nothing but time in lockdown and on furlough to evaluate my feelings,
And in 2020, the only thing more dangerous that Covid 19. Is you.

Goodbye Daddy.

Puppies at the pound

I have pondered, for some time now, whether or not I will make a good mother.

But more than that, I have wondered, what it is to be a good mother.

I look at my life and the two versions I had, and the first, the less said the better and the second, even more so.

So truly, it scares me, to know myself, who I am and what I am capable of, to think, I could be that version of me, that would be destined to disappoint and destroy.

And I suppose, ultimately, that is what lead me to the answer : yes, I will make a good mother.
The question was never, am I good person. Because good or bad, it's all about love.

Alturism and empathy are two attributes I have tangled with my entire life, yo-yoing from one extreme to the other, but somehow missing the mark and misunderstanding what it means to be either and when the chips are down, and I've bolloxed it anyway, it's usually too late to realise, to know, that you don't have to be either.

Trying to do the right thing, at the cost of doing a wrong thing, results in it being a false positive.
A negative attritbute.
For the sake of good, when the price is too high and is bad for someone, somehow, someway, regardless of intention, is too high a price too pay.

It seems I've spent parts of my life gambling with other people being the cost of my good intetions, warped by a sense of morality and just cause.

However, I seem to have summarised the knowledge and power of that in the previous sentences of this piece.

What then, would it mean for me to be a good mother?

To look only to the future and not dwell on the past? Because my baggage is a-plenty and it doesn't set down so easily, if that were true, I would have been liberated of my demons much time ago.

I think, for me to be a good mother, a good parent, is to know, with all my heart, I will never be like the ones I had.
Not a Bridie, who gives up at the first sign of trouble or misguided prioroty.
Not a Christine who can't tolerate your weaknesses as she's too hung up on seeing them as her own.

Thats the truth of it isn't it?
To take a life, and shape a life, with no impression or pressure to be anything other than loved.
Safe.

My dad keeps saying the same thing to me over and over, that for every time I step out of line, or have done in the past, I should be grateful.
That my parents did their best.
Gave me everything.
They still, in 2020 misunderstand what that means.

Don't get me wrong, I was the first to bite the hand that feeds, there's no doubt.
And bite hard and bite back I did.
Relentlessly.
But it's a parent's job to ask why.
To not assign blame or shame but to summarise solutions and shape ways forward.

I spent my entire life shrouded in guilt, shame and solititude, trapped in a world where to speak up and speak out was not allowed. That to step out and say, was ungrateful.
To have a past that haunts was shameful.
To mention whispers of pain and memory was hateful. Deceitful.

I lived in my own world by my own rules and kept myself safe in the delusion and spun the web so far and wide even I didn't know what was what.
Self preservation doesn't have to have sanity, if anything it's designed to be the exact opposite.

I've spent the past ten years of my life looking at what I did, judging the severity of my actions and I always come back to one spot - my choices were poor.
My judgement was wrong.
My actions were unkind.
And for times throughout my history where this has proved to be the case, it's because I didn't know who I was.
I didn't know what I was supposed to be.
And it came at a cost.

It's a recent affair.
To know now what I didn't know then.
I wrapped myself up in The Barker Baker cloak and that became my identity, but it was flawed and untrue and at times, unkind.
Because authenticity can't exist if you don't own it.

We have trials and tribulations ongoing that have rocked our lives to the core, where getting married to the love of my life feels like a lifetime ago, and the shortest honeymoon period on record, with car crash life events and scars that forge holes in our new life.
It's hard.
But it's happiness.

I teach my students, Maslows Hierarchy and for each time I do, I stare at that damn pyramid and know my place, know myself.

I'm close to self-actulisation whether it's a snakes and ladders game that knocks me back to square one, in my heart, I know it to be true.
It's taken my a long time to get here, but something changed in me just a few short years ago, and I can't explain it, but I found my purpose, my self, my heart.
Maybe it was always there, under the ashes of past Fran fires.

I am happy.
Truly.
Despite the ongoing sagas that threaten our existence as we know it.

I love my job.
I love that I'm still The Barker Baker in it's purest form and I get to teach, and share, and care, the way I should have done the first time round.
I love that my life has become authentic.
It's friendship.
Community.
Charity.
Love and kindness. And I am exactly who I was always meant to be.

Will I make a good mother?
Yes.
Because for every time we try and make a baby, we are one step closer to making a life, that will be so loved, so supported, that none of what's come to pass will matter.
Because for every time I look at Sarah, last thing at night or first thing in the morning, it's love.
It's unbreakable.

February came and went and Sarah looked at me, and said "Oh no, it was your brothers birthday, are you ok?"
And I looked at her, and said "Fine,"
I didn't text. I didn't call.
I didn't begrudge facebook family fun fuck wit time.
Because I didn't care.

Love can be distant, and everlasting, and for me, he will be a piece of my heart and jigsaw that shaped me as I shaped him.

The irony and the undermining feature of course, given that I'm the deceitful barker bitch, is that this entire time, my family have had another person living in their house, masquerading as the new born child.

No care to mention to me. The first born.
The one that took time care and attention to harness from the social services system in the first place.
How they let you have me on a promise of therapy and care and intervention is beyond me and continues to frustrate my brain, even today.

The fact I've sat in my classroom, locked the door and had a very ugly cry and the slightly childish notion that you have replaced me - I know, irrational and childlike, but my heart is broken.

From months of silence, to ask me to speak about my experience, of being your daughter.
You must be mad, or stupid.
Because no matter what story you've spun this time, I won't let another Fran, become another Fran.

The world does not need anymore heartache through mishapen mindsets created by you.

Take some responsibility and know that enough is enough.
Surely one is enough at your age?
Take the prodigal son and call it a day because you're not fooling anyone.

I once took my mothers hand whilst in foster care and asked her to be my mummy.
I hope poor fuck doesn't make the same mistake.
Because guess what, a puppy isn't just for Christmas, it's for life.

So stop buying shiny new things and let sleeping dogs lie.

And this child? Hopefully not with baggage like me? No abuse? No violence? No drugs? No suicides? No blood? No hate? No starvation? No neglect? No broken bones? No stolen virginities?

Let's hope not. Imagine.
A child broken by you.

But strong like me.

Terrifying

Third time's the charm

I’ll be honest,

It’s laughable.

But its not.

It’s undeniable,

Undefinable,

That you would do this.

To me.

Who me?

Who’s that?

The daughter.

That’s fat.

Hi there.

Nice to meet you.

Do me a favour will you Fran.

AUTHENTICATE ME.

Please.

It was you that was the disease.

We did our best

A poor workman blames his tools father.

Oh dearest,

Oh nearest,

You are somewhat beyond belief.

That to throw away the broken one,

And replace it,

Steal its life.

YOU’RE THE THEIF.

Here was me thinking,

Broken hearts on both side.

How silly

How foolish.

Only mine died.

A new child?

At your age?

You ancient old fuck

How dare you

How could you?

Push your damn luck.

Call me!

YES ME!

Whilst I’m busy at work

With my life

With my wife

And disturb my world.

Vouch for me

Tell them

It wasn’t that bad

That you’re the fuck up

And it wasn’t because of dear old dad

Tell them you’re broken

And we tried our best

Tell them you’re the dyke

Who won’t wear the damn dress

The liar and the cheat

We tried to hard to shape

But all you did was cause us

Such pain and heartbreak

We’re victims

We’re crying

We’re dying inside

Because you little daughter

Were so full of lies

Such a fine education

And a fucking ski trip

And all you gave us

Was cheek and your lip

Ungrateful ungrateful

You spiteful little girl

Thank god we get a third chance

To rule the world.

A prodigy

A hope

A new version of you

Improved, removed

And just like us two.

You’re hurtful

And hateful

And didn’t quite fit

So we got a new one

We got a pure one

To try once again

Because we failed with you

Because of you

And it hasn’t sat to well.

See we’re barkers

And we own things

And we like what we want

So vouch for me

Love for me

Tell them

Tell me

That you’re grateful and your someone

And its all because of me

Phone flashing

You’re name

After 8 months or more

Not merry Christmas

Not happy new year

Just do this for me

Pure silence

Pure removal

And I kept it that way

I cut you out

I ripped you out

Because you broke my heart

In the beginning

In the middle

On my wedding day

In the end

You’ll drive me crazy with your bullshit

I’ll go right round the bend.

See what you don’t know

What you don’t see

Is I made me without you

You don’t credit

You don’t get worship

You don’t get authenticity.

I built this

I own this

This love

This is me

And I won’t condemn another to end up cast out of your family.

-          Be nice to meet my little sibling

Pass on a hello from me.