A letter to my mother....

I'm going to Uncle Martin's funeral tomorrow.
I want to be there, because I want to be part of this family. However distant.

I want you know I'm sorry.
I want you to know I care.
I just don't know how to get that across.

I'm trying really hard to rebuild my life, putting positives over negatives. It's become a bit of a mantra and as long as I start each day with that in mind, things can only get better.

There is a gaping hole in my heart that only you three can fill. I had it when I was 4, I have it now I'm 26.
I know I've done it all ass backwards, and I've hurt you with the way I've lived my life. I'm sorry. I don't want to live my life not having you in it somehow.

When I found out you were sick it almost killed me, I didn't know what to do, call you, text you, turn up at the office. It wasn't my right; but you have to understand how much I love you, whether it feels like it or not. I ran to the hospital, demanded to know if you were being looked after there, rang The Christie, no-one would tell me anything. I kept calling. Driving them mad.

I don't want to feel that powerless again, if something happened to you and I couldn't tell you how sorry I am, I just couldn't forgive myself.

I have to live with the things that I have done. I know how many mistakes I've made and how hard it is to put them right - that's not what this is. This is me telling you, I'm here, honest, with nothing to offer you apart from me. The truth, my hard work, and my apology.

I want you to say thank you, for everything you gave me. You have been an amazing mother, and I have been the disgraced daughter. I never meant to cause you embarrassment or pain. I'm well aware having your daughter up in court in the city where you made your name is horrific, but I have to say, when my day of reckoning came, it changed my entire world. Although seeing you on Deansgate broke my heart because I know how disappointed you are.

There's not much more to say, I just wanted you to know that I love you. I don't want to live my life without knowing your safe and well, even if that's all we will ever manage. I don't want you to text me to tell me not to text you ever again. Please just take the time to think about what I've said.

I want you to know I'm happy, I work at the University as Catering Manager, seems I inherited some of KB's culinary flair, although I'm not sure the atrocities I cooked for you would say that same.
I've set up my own business, and its an amazing vehicle to move forward in a positive way.

The most important thing you need to know is I'm not a failure, I'm not a criminal, I'm not a drug-addict, I'm Francesca. I am your daughter. I am finding myself, through hard work, clinical psychologists, medication, a few good friends and an amazing partner.
I want you to know this Francesca, because I don't think either of us have gotten a chance to do that yet.

Love,
Fran x