Change is now

I was watching Coronation Street tonight, gripping the sofa with tears in my eyes.

Julie Hesmondahalgh was just.. wonderful.

It's my biggest fear. It's my biggest worry.

With my separation from my family, what if something happens and I'm not there to be a daughter, a sister?

I found out through the grapevine a few months before I was due in the Crown Court to be sentenced that the woman I love most in my life was ill.
No-one told me. I wasn't part of their life anymore, therefore I fore-fitted my right to know.
I was heartbroken, I have never felt so powerless.

Was that the real price I paid for the mistakes I have made? To loose all that I love and care for?
I am lucky enough to have beautiful people in my life who have stood by me but I can't shake the agonizing pain and worry that no matter what I do, I have lost my family forever.

I feel an immense sense of pride, when I wake up every morning, I wake up with purpose, vigour, love and I know its a day for change, a day for progress. I am very lucky. Not everyone gets to have a second chance.

So I had the bombshell, a year ago, she was sick.
I rang every hospital I could think of, asked questions no-one would tell me the answer to.
I turned up at one with a bag of random crap, thinking it might help.
Diet coke - her favourite. A sponge - useful; no-one likes hospital sponge baths do they?
Cake - something edible, delicious, made by my own fair hand and therefore fully loaded with a little too much buttercream.
A card - what could I say? It was simple "I just want you to know I am thinking about you and you are always in my heart. I live around the corner if you need ANYTHING ANYTIME, I can and will be here" with my mobile number scrawled dodging the teardrop marked page.

What if I lost her? What would I do? With no chance to make things right and no opportunity for her to see the real me and not the idiot that got lost through a decade of mistakes???

Sometimes I go to sleep at night and shes the last thing I think of, does she think of me?

Sometimes I text, it's not welcomed, but I try.
That's all I can do for now.

I made this change for me, she will see if soon whether she wants to or not.

And when shes wanders into her local deli and picks up a loaf and thinks OMG THIS IS THE BEST BREAD I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE, maybe then I'll get a text back :)

In the meantime, I'll do little things that make real change possible.
I'm running the Great Manchester Run.
I'm baking for a gala dinner.
I can't go into Wilkinsons because I put all my money in the Christies Charity pots!

My point is, little things is all it takes.

When it comes to Cancer, change is now.