Well my friends, today is the first step to some real closure.
I made the decision a few months ago, having boarded a bus and been trapped on the top floor sat a few seats away from the man who attacked me 7 years ago, that I wasn't going to live with it in my life anymore.
Rape is a strange thing, as we all deal with it in different ways. Denial. Acceptance. Suppression. Repression and outright fantasy living.
I have lived all of these. The day I was raped (so strange to be so forthright and direct, but I find it eases the process, apologies if the bluntness offends in any way) was Friday 13th 2006.
Saturday 14th 2006 was the day denial began. With blood and bruises a plenty, I chose to ignore what had happened, got on the train back to University and carried on as normal.
I drank. More than I have ever drunk in my life. All of the time. SO much money, but I didn't know what else to do to make it go away. I drank so much I ended up in hospital, having collapsed in pain.
The doctors asked me if I knew I was pregnant and I thought my head was going to explode.
There is only so far denial can take you...but pregnancy in gay woman, is something you can't quite ignore any longer. I didn't cry. I just looked the doctor in the eye and said "How do I go about getting an abortion, can I get it done here" my only instinct is that I wanted all reminders of that night out, away, destroyed, as far away from me as humanly possible.
My GP in Aberystwyth was incredible, he held my hand, listened to my story, made me promise I would have some therapy and he agreed to arrange an abortion, the only problem was that I would have to wait. It was the longest wait of my life. By the time I had my abortion I was nearly 3 months pregnant. I sat in the hospital office waiting for my scan to date the pregnancy and decide what the best option was. The doctor left the room for 5 minutes without realizing she had left the photo of the scan on her desk. It's all I could look at. I felt sick. I felt guilty. I felt angry.
I was 19. It was an abortion that went wrong from the get-go, ended in surgery and left me with an uncertain future as to whether I can have children. When I was 19 it didn't hit me like it does now. Now I'm 27 and we are talking to my GP about babies, IVF, what our options are, if we have any.
From being a lost little girl, all I've ever wanted is to fall in love, be loved, get married and have babies. Have a family to call my own. To love another human with all my heart and to know that I will be a great mother. To know that may not be my future, breaks my heart. And so, there is anger.
I got on that bus a few months ago and the man that destroyed me sat there and he winked. He winked at me, he licked his lips and he winked at Sarah.
I got off that bus and went to a business meeting with my head so far up my arse I didn't know if I was coming or I was going. I was on auto-pilot, it was a great bloody meeting and I felt proud that I didn't let it destroy another day.
I decided it was time to face the music, to talk to my lawyer and find a way to bring some justice.
That's what we have been doing for the past few months, working, researching, statements, medical records, recounting horrible details, but liberating myself with every word spoken.
I wish I could have been so brave back then, maybe then the damage wouldn't have seeped so far into my life and I wouldn't have run off into fantasy land where lies were first nature and not second. I wish I had punished him the way he deserved it and I worry that because I didn't, there are other girls who suffered the same fate. How many were left pregnant and with an STD and happened to be gay, well I'm not so sure, but jesus, I should have protected them all the same.
When Sarah was attacked in Piccadilly Gardens, I went into fight mode, I couldn't let what happened to me happen to her, I pulled that fucker off her and pinned him until the Police took him away. I thought we were getting justice, I thought I was making up for lost time, but he walked free as a bird out of a court room and she was left with nightmares and a £150 compensation cheque for an attempted rape.
I think the point of this blog is, it's never too late. If you have something you need to say, if you have something you need to share, then share it, speak it, free it.
Save yourself the hassle of eroding mental health and get talking!!!
I've been broken for a long time, not quite right from the start and in many ways, I think what happened in 2006 compounded all that I thought was wrong with me. I lie awake at night and sometimes wonder - is it me? Because I can't process the fact that as a child, I was a plaything for perverts and as student, I ended up with the same fate.
I wonder how Sarah loves me when my life and my body are so tainted, that these horrible things have happened to me, how will she love me, how will she touch me, knowing whats been before.
The past can be toxic. Don't let it.
I'm Francesca Barker my friends, you beautiful people, you have been my salvation, allowing me to be me, taking my sweet time on this journey of self discovery, my god, I'm far from perfect, but I am on my way to happiness and sharing my thoughts with you has helped me find the good in the world and in myself.
And on that hippy note, Happy Halloween everyone - there is one less monster on the streets tonight, if you are out and about and getting a little bit merry, be careful and stay safe xx
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