Mothers Day

When writing this, I was listening to songs I listened to as a teenager, sat crossed legged, on my bed, in my parents house, wondering why we weren't connected the way we should have been. Today I'm 27 and I'm learning its OK to be apart, because we shared a journey and now I'm living my own. It doesn't stop it hurting any less.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9WIM2zZ2nI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMt3_p04XaQ

I didn't send your card this year,
And I'm sat here thinking I did the wrong thing,
I should always put that card in the post,
Through that door,
Whatever it takes for it to find you.
Even if I can't do the same.

Should, should, should, should.
Would, would, would, would.
What is about you that brings out the "if only's" in me
I'm just fine the way I am.
I'm fine with the choices I've made,
The right and the wrong
They all brought me here
And that's perfect.
Because here is where I was always meant to be.

I've ripped my hair out, my heart out,
Torn my tongue out, shut up, screamed out, shouted out.
Love me, love me.
Why won't you?
Why don't you?
20 years of wasted emotion and a love lost on an ocean,
Because we won't find eachother,
We won't spend another Sunday like today in the same room,
Because every day I'm dead and buried,
Like someone who died a long time ago,
And I sit, in moments of silence, on Sundays, Mondays,
Christmases and birthdays.
My heart looks for you,
Like a text will get a reply,
That every word you hear me say isn't received as a lie.
Because I'm the daughter of a past life,
That you let go and let die.

It's a strange place to be,
Yesterday I found myself in hysteria for no reason at all,
I got caught up in the loss of you,
I felt my heart break inside my chest,
And I let it all go and crashed to the floor.
My knees hit the carpet of my lovely new home,
All I wanted to do was call you and say "I'm home"
And then it hit me harder than the fall,
Home will never be at your door,

I won't get to hear about the right way to the plump cushions on the bed,
Even if I do the exact same thing here
I won't get to hear any of it.
Because you just don't talk.

You come close to death,
And I hear it through the grapevine
I rush as fast as I can to the place I think you'll be,
I wait in the shadows, outcast, cast out,
Hoping to catch a glimpse of you,
God I want you to be OK,
I sneak gifts of diet coke and sponges to the receptionist,
I sneak peaks at whether you come and go,
Because I can't leap out and squeeze you like I need to.
This is a life. Hiding in a waiting room.
Trying to find out if the love of my life is dead or alive.
Would I even get to know that?

The day I came out of court,
My day of reckoning,
I was at my lowest ever point,
And then I bumped into you,
And the knife was plunged a little deeper.
In a court room, I was judged for an hour out of a day.
Given my life to make it right, and to pay,
But one look from you and it came flooding back,
The punishment, the resentment, the bitterness and the hate,
You looked at me with such disappointment,
It made the judge look like a happy clown.
Only you have the power to knock me further down.

I tricked myself you were there to see me,
To make sure I was OK.
That it wasn't worse case scenario and I didn't get sent away.
But you weren't.
You'd been to lunch
You were hob-knobbing on the street,
Having a chit-chat, obvlivious to your daughter,
Suited and booted and standing across the street,
Crossing traffic to get to you,
To reach out, in false hope,
And you turn and say, after years of silence,
With such disdain and exasperation
"Oh dear, they let you go,"

So mother dearest, Happy Mothers Day
I'm sure you will have a great one
Because you will spend it in your little land of Barker,
Where nothing bad ever happens
And the world is never darker,
Not now I'm out of the picture,
And I only seep into your life through Christmas cards
And Mothers Day texts.
You will forever be, my biggest regret.
I wanted to hold onto you,
For all of time,
To call you mummy, to call you mine,
But we are just not those kind of people,
We are meant to live apart,
Or I wouldn't be on this path,
And there would be space for me in your heart.

I love you.
Happy Mother's Day