February 8th 2013
My date of sentencing in the Crown Court.
You have walked and read this journey by my side, you know my dates all too well.
There are many.
Etched in my mind, for eternity.
25th May 2012 - I walked into a police station to declare what I had done
27th May 2012 - I turned 25 years old
ON BAIL for a loooooong time, whilst my case was passed from Magistrates to Crown.
February 8th 2013 - day of sentencing, bag packed, ready to take my place in HMP Styal for up to two years....
Spared prison and handed a suspended sentence of 2 years, suspended for 18 months with mandatory probation, drug rehabilitation, mental health intervention and compulsory compensation order for nearly £10,000.00
End of March 2013 - I was sent on the Virtuous Bread baking course for 3 days by Greater Manchester Probation Service
May 12th 2013 - I got a job with the University of Manchester
May 27th 2013 - I turned 26 years old
June 21st 2013 - I had my first bread stall ever, at Levenshulme Market - we sold out in a few hours; The Barker Baker was born
August 1st 2013 - I had my first interview on the BBC after the lovely Matt White called me whilst at work, I almost dropped my spatula!
September 27th 2013 - Back on the BBC talking about bread, business and criminal justice
October 3rd 2013 - I started this blog - it got over 200 hits in the first 30 minutes of being live
I worked my little socks off baking, working at the University, whilst on probation and completing my drug rehabilitation, I attended possibly the worlds worst mental health group of my life and have since campaigned to ensure no-one else fall foul of it.
It is not something I have talked much of, but now time has passed, it seems safe to do so, I have a deep seated anger within me, which isn't always rational, and over time, my lovely Sarah has taught me to put time and space between my judgments & feelings until they settle and I know its not my sheer lunacy of a mental health problem that is what causes such emotion.
I have a tendency to feel... offended, undermined, overlooked and I have done all my life, entirely rational when you look at where I have come from and how I have lived my life, however such distorted perceptions leave me open to make the wrong choices.
In this case, I was entirely justified to feel this way from the beginning.
When I went on my baking course, I baked with a variety of other people, all exoffenders - more than that, all part of a mental health group of which I had no knowledge... my probation officer thought it a good idea for me to attend this group in lieu of our weekly probation meetings.
Cat had thus far steered me in the right direction, so I was happy to do so.
I soon realise that this group had nothing to do with mental health, it was a room full of people not making any progress, not accepting any responsibility for their actions and being soothed by people who didn't provide tangible advice, support or prospects.
When I started The Barker Baker, I was seen as selfish within this group, as I had decided to go it alone, build my own business, bake my own bread. The head honcho told me as such and asked if I would set aside my own ideas and ambitions and be part of the group, help build the exoffender bakery within the mental health group - a nice idea, but as I was the only one who had a) fallen in love with baking b) actually baked a fucking loaf since attending the course and c) gained actual funding by way of an application of O2 Thinkbig to launch my idea then really, the answer was NO.
A huge faction of my personality that I wanted to address whilst attending this mental health group was the people pleaser in me, the person who gets into trouble for saying yes, knowing full well I can't for-fill empty promises I have made, but I make them anyway for hope of being liked and loved.
What a clever way to catch me off guard, and strike my soft spot, the very thing I had been trying to change about myself. It was then I realised this group was no good for me, it was masquerading as "help" when really it was debilitating and ensuring dependence not independence. I did not fit the bill. I was a middle class, university educated, first time offender with a drug problem that was no longer a problem and a mental health issue that would require serious intervention, not horrendous cups of tea and a bit of a chit-chat. I wanted actual help. What I got almost broke me.
"People like you can't change Fran, this idea you have of The Barker Baker and all these markets and all these ideas you have - they are just that. Francesca Barker fantasies, they won't come to anything, with your condition, it's just not going to happen"
- it was the "people like you" that got me.
Who are these people like me?
It wasn't anyone I had met in that room?
Anyone I had met on my drug rehab course?
People like me : A really fucked up 20 something girl who had a pretty shitty beginning, didn't have it dealt with, got angry that it was never dealt with, lashed out at everyone who meant something to me, destroyed my relationships, lied every single day of my life to try and appear normal, liked and loved, decided that cocaine was the answer as it allowed me to be free and not care what anyone thought until I went too far and ruined my life and almost that of the only girl I have truly loved and has truly loved me.
Sounds doom and gloom - HOWEVER - people like me.... to have lived that life and come out of the other side, to have begun discovering who I am at the age of 25 and start my life a-new, to have kicked a drug addiction that almost killed me, to have got a job fresh out of the crown court and earned respect for my hard work and dedication.
To the lovely Sue, who almost broke my hope... I know the person I am, and you were right, people like me don't change - they grow, learn and live.
I know as I write this 3 years on from my day in crown court that there are streaks of who I am that I will never change, that the little girl who tells not so little lies, lives deep in my heart. I'm OK with that. I know shes there, its a case of management, support networks, hard work and love. When I am happy and secure with who I am, what I do and know that the people I have around me are the right people, silly little Fran doesn't need to be anything other than herself.
When I met you, I was exactly how I felt in that moment, a worthless, useless, convict, druggie ex prostitute who had no hope in hell of becoming anything more than a piece of paper.
I am Francesca Barker, I built my life up from the ground, from the ashes of my own burning, I am The Barker Baker, the girl who built a business off the back of a suitcase full of bread at the local market.
I am the award winner.
I am the entrepreneur.
I am the ambassador.
I am the change.
I am new. I am free. I am exactly what the judge wanted me to be when she spared me from a prison cell.
Jeeeeez, I've been wanting to get that off my chest for a while now!
I think the essence of this post is that there will always be the nay sayers, especially for those of us fighting to overcome a label, whatever it may be, but it all reality, it doesn't matter, if you strive to stay true to yourself, there is no greater reparation.
On with my timeline....
February 2014 - I was in the Manchester Evening News for the first time, a lovely piece written by a reporter who I have grown oddly fond of, she saw the beginning and has since reported on the successess that have followed
March 2014 - I speak at the National Youth Offending Conference and have the eyes of hundreds of young people watching, listening and waiting to hear how it ends. - it ends with a baking session in the kitchens and a few of them asking for work experience with me. Mind. Blown.
June 2014 - We fly away; my beautiful Sarah books us a holiday and off we go. Our first time abroad together, she holds my hand whilst I freak out about flying. All is well.
August 28th 2014 - I win a national business award, as chosen by some of the most successful people in the country. Francesca Barker - Best Female Entrepreneur 2014.
September 19th 2014 - I go to London to receive said award and meet Michelle Mone in a board room, she hugs me and tells me I'm an inspiration. I try not to focus on the fact that she is potentially one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen and actually listen to the incredible things she is saying. Sarah takes me for a glass of champagne to celebrate at and old favourite of mine from back in the days where I was a London girl. This is much better.
September - December 2014 - the press goes off the hook, with BBC, Daily Mirror, local news, national news, it's a circus, overwhelming and humbling all at the same time
December 2014 - Sarah and I drive to Littleborough to see a house, we stop into the estate agents, view the house and then pop the village bakery for a pie (she is a Wiganer!)
We take said house and move into our countryside back to back terrace. It's heaven.
January - March 2015 - we are fully booked with baking workshops, with youth offending teams across the north west, I get to spend my days teaching people how to bake and to help them start a new journey
February 11th 2015 - I win Business Newcomer of the Year 2015, as chosen by people like Hilary Devey; one of my big inspirations and one of my favourite Twitter followers, shes one hell of a woman! If I have a business soul mate (if that is a thing) then she is most definitely it.
The business pops up in The Metro and the BBC call me...!
March 3rd 2015 - I meet my sister. My actual, biological sister. The girl who's name I've read on paper and never thought I would ever meet.
There is a knock at the door and I open it - she looks like me. Thankfully she talks a lot more than me, so there wasn't an awkward silence to be had. She's pregnant and beautiful and loved. Couldn't have wished for more.
April 18th 2015 - I meet my entire biological family - IRISH! theres a 101 aunties and uncles and cousins, and I get to see, for the first time in my life, a photo of me, from before I was 4 years old - better than that - its the first ever photo I have seen of me as a baby. Something so simple, I have wanted all my life, and then a teary aunty hands it to me. Sarah loves it, she sees me in it, still. She sees our children in it.
May 2015 - We have the BBC filming in the kitchens, for The One Show with Mary Berry.
The workshop is a great success and I meet incredible people who really have the knack of baking!
June 2015 - The One Show goes out on BBC One, the press goes off the hook and the BBC have me in their sights for bigger things!
Week in week out, I get to talk to the lovely Sam Walker on BBC Radio Manchester, she called me whilst I was at work one day and asked if I could be the "real life stories" person for a few weeks, a few weeks turned into months, and we ended up speaking all year long, with the people of Manchester avidly listening to what I was doing and where I was up to, so much so, the lovely listeners now pop into my shop and say hello and see what I am up to face to face!
August 2015 - The shop.
I was walking through lovely Littleborough when I say that Warburtons Estates was for rent. Tiny space. Cute.
The very place where I signed my tenancy for the house Sarah and I chose in Littleborough before going to the village bakery for a pie.
It was a good price.
It was a nice spot.
Business woman Fran pounced.
The shop was mine.
A blank canvas and a small one at that - 200sq ft.
Two incredible builders and 2 months later, I had a fully fledged bakery shop and kitchen, exactly how I had imagined it.
November 25th 2015 - The Barker Baker launch. I open the shop with snazzy beer, free bread and great people. My sister drives all the way from London to be there with the beautiful Mya and lovely Rog (which is a miracle as she doesn't do up North')
The launch is a huge success and people from all over the place turn up to see The Barker Baker shop and indeed, me.
A local lady pops in and tells me she saw me in the paper and that it was a lovely article, she buys some bread and is on her way.
She pops back in the day after with said article, which she has cut out for me, she places in my hands and says "You should put that up in your window so people can see how far you have come, you should feel very proud of yourself"
She squeezes my hands and smiles and leaves.
Thank god she does as I need a somewhat sneaky cry.
I look around. My shop. My little empire. I have done it. And it's just the beginning.
Business booms in the run up to Christmas and we have regulars popping in every day, every other day, lovely people, sharing their stories and histories with me, its exactly what I wanted.
I walk down the high street and people give me a wave, it's like something from Beauty & the Beast - 'there goes the baker' - that would be me. I try my best not to skip and sing......!
December 2015 - Sarah is at her happiest, she buys the biggest turkey in the land, free range and organic from the butchers, the turkey epitomoises her struggle, silently working away in the back ground, holding me together and somehow pulling out the most amazing degree results, landing a great job and watching her little ducks line up.
We have her family over for Christmas Day, we are exactly who we want to be, where we want to be.
Cooking a mammouth turkey in our warm and loving home, for people we care about.
The floods come to Littleborough on Boxing Day and we throw our most waterproof shoes on and head down the hill to the village, throw open the bakery doors and get the coffee machine on. I have a load of mince pies in the freezer at the bakery from Christmas so we fire them up and hit the streets making sure people eat and drink and know there's always help and support.
We wash pants, socks, charge phones and laptops, I cook enough soup to feed the 5000 and slowly the village returns to normal.
A strange way to spend our days off together over Christmas, but we realise its who we are, the weirdos who like to give back, knowing there was I time when all I did was take. She makes me a better person.
January 2016 - Business grows faster, I expected a lull, wintery woe and less pennies for spending - there is no lull, there is a boom.
We launch Pizza night - its a sell out. I get to be chef and baker - living the dream.
And now its February, closing in on the doom date of February 8th.
Will it be doom date forever? Or the bench mark I remember when life changes as much as it has.
It is February 2nd 2016. I have love. I have security. I have family and I have hope.
Every wrong decision was worth it, to know that I could work my way up to this point.
#positivesovernegatives
Thank you to the people who have helped me grow, learn and love
<3
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