Physically, mentally, financially, academically.
So I put my life into a severe turn around and began with a plan of action for positive and proper change.
Physical - no fad, mad diets like throughout my 20's, no. Actual healthy eating and my dreaded nemesis - exercise.
I have been a grumbling teenager with my approach to fitness and healthy eating. I was brought up always thinking I was fat - I was, but not as fat as I thought I was. I wasn't the BMI beasty I am today and if I had loved myself a little more back then, I wouldn't have eaten my way through a decade in some sort of chubby rebellion - alas, approaching 30, disconnected from my family - no excuses, no-one to blame, just me.
Now, if I want to live a long and happy life with my lovely Sarah, and dare I venture to hope, have children, which as we all know, for me is not a likely outcome anymore, surely a healthy lifestyle and some weight loss would at least give me a fighting chance.
And so it began.
15 minutes on the exercise bike, with the curtains closed, where no-one could see me sweating my tits off.
10 sit-ups, 10 push-ups. It was a good start.
I remembered how much I loved my fitness when I had it. From running to rowing, I was once quite a fitness fiend.
From my secret workouts behind closed doors, I took the plunge, and went to a "back to fitness" class. I was terrified I would be the most unfit person there, that I wouldn't be able to keep up and make a show of myself; and then I realised I was letting it happen again, so I decided, fuck it, sweat your tits off, bounce around in that not so supportive sports bra and have done with it!
What a revelation.
I loved it.
I'm 20 lbs down, I managed to get to 29 lbs and then fell off the wagon with no cardio and less healthy eating - it scared me how quickly it jumped back on. Proof that its a lifestyle change thats needed, not a "bit better behaved"
I'm an all or nothing girl, my best friend pointed out, I had come a little hooked on this weight loss endeavour and pointed out why - my weight is the one thing I can control in my somewhat out of control life of late. She knows me too well.
So I stepped back a little.
Everything in moderation!
Mentally - medication, medication, medication. SO so important for me. It's taken me a few years to understand that taking it doesn't make me weak, doesn't make me shameful, doesn't make me broken. It's something that is essential to making me a decent, functioning human being.
It frustrates me that I have to take a tablet to be able to be the best version of me and I can pin point serious errors throughout the past few years where I have thought I was more powerful than a silly tablet and proceeded to go cold turkey only to fuck it up and crash, hard.
I found myself a few months ago, sat in a field near my house, amongst cows, with a bottle of wine in my hand, not sure what I was doing there.
I felt I had no place left to go, to run, to breathe, to be.
So I sat in that field, alone, in January, in cold, no coat, like an absolute lunatic.
No medication, overwhelming stress, absolute mental breakdown.
As is always the case, Sarah coaxed me back inside, like a naughty cat that had strayed too far from home, wrapped me up, made me tea, and put me to bed.
When I think about how I have been struggling of late, I find myself very selfish, self indulgent, if I am stressed and struggling, what are the other people in my life? It's not exactly a cake walk for anyone who's been caught up in the whirlwind of Fran.
Financially - addressing every penny. Excruciating. Looking at the business, looking at my own finances, evaluating what I did, how I did it, and how it went so far wrong.
There is a fine line between hopeful and delusion and with the bakery, I was so so sure and so passionate and hopeful that it would work itself out, that it was good enough to do that, that I was good enough to do that. Just hold out a little longer and everything would be ok, on what planet is that a good idea?
If you haemorrhage blood, you plug the wound and help it heal, you don't let yourself bleed to death and have a few blood transfusions along the way to prolong the process.
I could write an essay on what not to do, but in reality, the only way to heal and the learn and to recover, it to do it better, to work harder, to right wrongs and to move on.
The business has bounced back, and even I am little shocked at just how well.
You all know the hideous saga's that have taken place lately, and somehow the business has pulled through, stronger than ever.
I was never going to give up on it. The Barker Baker is my heart and soul, and despite running in the wrong direction for over a year, it almost failing, shook sense into me.
What do I want? What is this business? Is it faff and fluff and happy endings? No.
It's hard work, it's second chances, it's passionate people, it's bloody good bread. It's about people. Not shiny branding, tv appearances, money, money money.
It's people.
I have that in focus, and I'm ready.
Lets bake!!!
SO.
To tie my rambles together, a few ideas.
Physical, mental, and financial.
Good food, good spending = healthy, thrifty.
I get to cook with Sarah, for her, for our friends, our family.
I feel a purpose there.
This is our food shop bill.
Inclusive of cat food at £8, shampoo £2.50 and toothpaste £2.00.So all in all, our food shop was £40.19
That spend will make breakfast, lunch and dinner for Sarah and I for 2 weeks.
Meaning our daily food budget per person is £1.43
Smaller portions, and generally, small protein, big vegetables, minimal dairy.
We are a household that always has "store cupboard essentials" so as a standard we always have rice, pasta, spices, stock, etc in our kitchen, we probably replenish these once every 2 months, 1kg of rice from Asda is 40p, so it's not exactly breaking the bank when we have to restock.
Our only essential items that are also always in the house are tea and coffee.
This is our food diary from last month as an example of how we plan, portion and budget.
Turkey burgers
Turkey mince - 250g at £1.50
1 spring onion - 7p
1/2 red chilli - homegrown
Teaspoon seasame oil - 4p
Sweet potato - 27p
62p per person (makes 3 small portions, enough for a main meal)
Chilli Con Carne
Quorn mince - 300g at £1.79
Teaspoon of chilli powder -
Teaspoon of cumin -
Teaspoon of paprika -
Chopped tomatoes - 29p
Rice 70g x 3 - 56p
Tortilla wraps - 9p
£1.02 per person (makes 4 large portions)
We grow all our own herbs in our garden, mint, rosemary, thyme, parsley.
We have a beautiful chilli plant growing, with summer approaching, our red currant plant and raspberries will bloom, as will our lovely chard.
We will forage for wild garlic, nettles, dandelions, rib-wart, sorrell, wood-sorrell, water mint. All sorts!
You can find a great nettle soup in a previous blog of mine, bunches of nettles, some vegetable stock, a few potatoes, an onion if you feel compelled, and blend, dash of cream or creme fraiche. Delicious.
It's all about making the most of what you've got.
If you factor in bread making into that equation, things can get really interesting.
Your average basic bag of flour can cost around 40p, sachet of yeast 9p, salt, water.
Making a loaf of bread 24p to make at home.
What can you do with that loaf?
Toast, sandwiches, all your standard bits and bobs.
What about when its day 3 and not at its best?
Refresh it in the microwave, with a mug of water, 60 seconds, it will be rehydrated.
Blend it into breadcrumbs, make some cheap and cheerful fish cakes with a tin of fish from Asda, for example we bought a tin of sardines for 34p, tinned boiled potatoes 32p, a few herbs from the garden. You've got fish cakes, 8-10, enough for 2 people, for 2 meals. Made for 64p.
How about a jazzy pudding? Slice your stale bread, add some tinned peaches which are lurking at the back of your cupboard or in your food parcel, or your budget shop.
Smartprice asda custard powder 15p, stale bread, tinned peaches 33p asda, delicious bread and butter pudding for just 48p
When I was on probation and using food banks to get by I found that despite being on the breadline, there was still great joy to be found in cooking with basics and getting creative, food didn't have to bland, let alone demoralising.
So give it a go!
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