A fallen comrade. 1 year without Erwin James.

You once said to me "When I die, all they'll write is murderer, Exoffender, dies - they won't remember the good, or my legacy,"

And then you went and died on me.

And I'm still furious with you.

I think about your stupid boat and your drams of whiskey and the icy cold weather last year and how I gave you a telling off on WhatsApp and told you to go to bed.

The missed call I had from you that night, and it haunts me.

Your WhatsApp activity haunts me "Last seen Friday 22:28"

And I found out on Twitter, of all the god forsaken places, that you had gone.

And there it was and remains on my phone.

Your name, with no activity and no blue ticks.

And I write to you every so often, not our daily back and forth.

But I give you updates that I know you would love to read, and I share just as we always did. The good, the bad and the ugly.

The life milestones, triumphs and tribulations. Photo's of Sarah and I, where we've been, what we've been up to. And the single tick remains. But it's soothing to talk to you all the same.

I sought out a church whilst away, to remember you.

There are few in my life I light a candle for, because loss is fleeting and I was never taught to feel it the way most do, but for you and my dear Grandma, our lapsed Catholicism, I light a candle wherever I go.

I had stern words with you this weekend. Quietly. In church. It was ice and snow on the ground outside, so already, I was furious with you. And then just sad.

Apologetic actually. I promised you more chapters, but then you promised me an editor. So I guess we're both letting the side down on the literary front comrade.

You were right, they did write about your past, because they don't know any better. They did reference your crime, and you knew that they would, but I promise the legacy was more beautiful than you wished for. The words of love, respect, kindness and acknowledgement, of the change you brought forth. Your wicked humour and words of wisdom, your naughty boy candid nature, but mostly, the lives you touched were so vast and so far reaching, if you knew, you'd sleep more peacefully.

It didn't feel right not writing to you, about you, for you, in memory and I tried yesterday but the words wouldn't come.

Here's to you dear friend.

Darling.

Sweetie.

Comrade.

Equal.

Your chosen words of choice for me.

Your legacy lives on  💕