It was a love affair. A toxicity I couldn't quite shake because of its beautiful escapism.
What a strange way to describe a vice that almost destroyed me. It seems I hold such destructive powers
close to my heart no matter what damage it causes.
It's a quality of mine I am all to familiar with, knowing when the right thing is to let it go, and not wanting to.
Heart vs Head. Sometimes it's not that simple.
For example, as soon as I made the choice to stop hiding behind lies and drugs, I set myself free. An instantaneous decision that changed my life for the better, forever.
When it comes to family, things are a little harder to loosen my grip on.
I'm a lost little girl inside a 26 year old woman's body. I go about my day to day life like it doesn't hurt anymore, like it never did. But the hole remains gaping, aching and it yearns for what it's never quite had.
Family.
Oh I can fill the gap, I can plug it with hopes and desires and friends and lovers, I can fill it with hard work and dreams to strive for.
But its hard to ignore the fact that I'm alone in this world, and that the legacy I'm working to create begins with me, with no trace of anything that happened before.
I tell Sarah all the time, I want to build something great, to be remembered, for the good; not the bad. For the positive. For the change. I can do all of those things. I have a passion and a hope that burns so deep in my heart it almost shouts louder than whats lost.
I want to marry her, to grow old, to hold her hand for as long as its mine. I want to say I love you every day and feel it in my fingertips when they find hers.
I text my dad today. He turned 60. I woke up with this searing fear, tears in my eyes from the moment of realization, today is the 9th May, he's another year older...and so am I. We are another year apart, with a bridge that burned long ago, with a heart that broke on both sides, and somehow we can't seem to find eachother.
Have you ever woken up with fear, sheer fear, of loss. What is it I am loosing? A father? A friend? Neither?
He may not live up to the title as our labels burn away, but he is my daddy, he's the man in the trendy leather jacket and the sparkling blue eyes and now he's older, he's less Pierce Brosnan and more George Bush but my god, it's toxic, this absolute adoration and love.
I wish I could quit it, I'd erase it if I could, but I can't, because all three of them run through my heart and my mind, every single day, just like my blood.
Unrequited, not a lover, but a daughter, a sister, whatever my title is to be.
Will it be like this forever? A text message like an arrow.
I strive everyday for things that will make our lives great, happy, easy, forfilled.
All of which is completely attainable. I have no doubt the greatest things are yet to come, because I know how I feel and what I want.
So one day when we are older, we are married, with a house full of cats and kids, baking, teaching, learning, loving, cuddling, will they be a part of it? Or just a memory?
Sometimes I trick myself and wonder if the memories I have are just stories trapped in my mind, little lies I told myself once and didn't go away.
Like our last meal together, it was just me and him, sat at the kitchen table, talking, really talking.
He was sad, he was honest, he knew we had no chance, but we lied to eachother and pretended everything was fine. I was happy, he was happy and we smiled and ate our dinner.
He tricked me that day. For one, what he said were mushrooms were actually lamb kidneys and I almost choked as he laughed. He knew I wouldn't try them if I knew. A fathers trick. I'll have to try that one...
For two, we pretended we were... as we should be, when we knew that's just not what we are.
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