The Big Bad Wolf

I search the internet for your name,

I don’t know why,

It causes pain,

But I have to know where you are,

To find you no matter just how far,

I have no shame,

Not any more,

I scream your name from every shore,

Because  exorcising you will make me pure.

I’ll be free, I’ll be sane,

I won’t have to think of you again.

Your dirty and your sick,

Only thinking with you dick,

Did you ever stop to think,

That you’d leave my heart so heavy,

That it’d sink?

Oh daddy, you’re so wrong,

You’ve been hiding for so long,

But I’ll find you,

I’ll call you out,

I’ll show you what I’m all about.

Bloodlines bind us,

But you didn’t care for that,

You had your way,

Threw me away,

And now the day draws near.

When I find you,

I’ll show you,

What its like to live in fear.

Words and shapes moved me,

They were stuck inside my head,

Sometimes I felt so lost,

I thought it better to be dead.

My heart was filled with sorrow,

As I dreaded each tomorrow,

But judgement day will come

And your freedom will be done.

Your conscience it will get you,

As I happily forget you,

You’ll just be a dirty old man,

With no little girl, and no little Fran,

Thank god for social services,

They ripped me from your grasp,

I hate them for giving you another chance,

They should have acted fast.

They knew they saw a monster,

And they let you walk free,

They let you creep closer,

And keep your hands on me.

I read it all on paper,

Like some sick story,

A sad book.

But as I grow older,

I don’t really give a fuck.

Because your just a memory,

From the life I had before,

I don’t have to feel this way,

And I won’t any more.

The truth it was destructive,

But in a way it set me free,

Gave me the answers I needed,

And let me be me.

Are you why I can’t give in?

Are you why I hide?

Are you why I don’t like letting people,

Get too close or inside?

You made me think like you do,

That being wrong is somehow right,

You made me watch the doorknob,

Every single night.

For that I can’t forgive you,

And not many would or will,

Because I’ve got your number Wayne Hall,

And I won’t give in.

Justice will be done,

So I don’t have to come undone.

I know my past,

It matters not,

I am lucky to have a second shot,

To take this knowledge,

Use it well,

Forget you now,

Forget you well,

I move forward,

I walk tall,

I bury you deep now,

I forget it all.

Demons can linger,

They can hang about,

But I’m done crying,

I won’t scream or shout.

Just writing this somehow frees me,

I’m sure it reads so sad,

About a man that was a monster,

Big and ugly and bad.

It is a sad story.

A story about my dad.

Pandora's box

This blog sounds like it is written, from a broken heart, revolving around issues that plague my day to day life... It was created to be a place of hope, whilst that might not always shine through, my life is filled with hope. This blog is filled with hope, and I hope that through the darkness, the light always does shine through.

I'm on a journey of self discovery, as cheesy as that sounds, I have spent a lot of time, taking apart pieces of my life and trying to put them back in the right order, at the right time, in the right place. It has been very much a case of opening Pandora's box, but therein lies the beauty of it. The very concept of Pandora's box seems most apt for what is taking place in my life, there have been absolute horrors and obstacles that would for most, demoralize and destroy hope, but it is only in digging through these and exorcising them, that I can get to the bottom of that box. Just as goes the story of Pandora "Only hope was left within her unbreakable house"

The first thing a probation officer ever said to me was "If I had lived a life like yours, I would either be dead, or would have a best selling book, so I guess you'll have to write a book" - it broke the ice to say the least; but it got me thinking.

I have overcome so many things in my life, and I'm still standing. I won't ever give up because I know just how good my life can be. I see beautiful things every single day, whether it be my fiance sleeping, the cat yawning, or someone doing something for someone else, how can you ever live a life without hope when there is so much to be grateful for?

It struck me again, I was waiting for my other half outside the supermarket in Fallowfield, the sun was shining, I was looking good, feeling good, and I felt contented. I stood outside deliberating what I should buy for dinner, and my mind wandered off into bread land where I considered new recipes and new ideas for the business and just as my imagination began to run wild, a homeless lady rocked up and sat outside the supermarket, wrapped up in a pretty shoddy looking sleeping began, and lo' the sun literally disappeared and it began to rain. Typical for her? Typical for me? The epitomy of my life at times, all sunshine and light, positivity and hope and then comes the rain to wash it all away!

I wandered into Sainsburys and bought a sandwich, a cup of tea and a bottle of water. I know its not much, but its what I had, and its what she needed. - No, what this woman needed was hope. How can you instill that in someone who is faced with nothingness every day? It just fills me with such passion for change, I spent the rest of the day rambling to Sarah about how I could make a real change, soup kitchen, clothes collection, food banks, getting more people into hostels and off the street. It's something that keeps me awake at night. I have battled demons like most people could only find in their nightmares, I've grown up with images and words trapped in my head that only made sense when I got to read child court case records about horrific sexual and domestic abuse I fell foul of as a little girl, I had to make my way through my University career being rudely interrupted by a graphic rape which left me with an STD and an unwanted pregnancy. I ran off to London, homeless, thrown into a world of awful things, which resulted in a drug addiction that almost ruined my life. I lost my family, my home, all the people I had grown up with, ripped away and left completely alone, with nothing and no-one. I lost hope. I hated everything and everyone around me and let my life fall apart and careered happily down the road to ruin with not a care in the world to where I would end up. Dead? Maybe. Prison? Probably. But I just didn't care.

I see these men and women on the streets and all I can think is, how did you get there? What happened to you? Did you loose your family? Did someone hurt you? Did you get pulled into an addiction that resulted in loosing everything? The biggest question that burns in my heart is : Why don't you do something?

I was born in London. I'm still drawn to it, because I know the part of me I've lost is in that city somewhere and the only way to find it is to go back and look for it. My mother, Bridie Kehoe, a convicted murderer, whore, drug addict and general disaster area. How did she end up like that? What was so awful that she threw her life away and didn't care to rescue it at any point? I think about her a lot. I fear the blood  that runs in my veins is too much of her and not enough of me. I have spent a lot of time hating that woman. The things I read, the things she did, the way she let horrible people pass her daughter around, because she was just as used and worthless, it makes me sick  to think about it, but then the anger and the hate are run out of my mind by pity, worry, regret. Could she have been saved? I'm 26, I've lived the life of 100 people and I'm still standing. 

Admittedly it took a court case to make me realise how far down the road of no hope I really was, but I did. I looked at my life, I looked at myself, and I didn't like it. I wanted more. I bloody well deserved more. What did I fight so hard for if I was willing to give it up so easily?????

I am having a love affair, with myself, with this person I'm uncovering, but its not all sweetness and light, there is a darkness in me that needs to be erased, one person can't live the life I have and avoid the anger and aftermath forever. To deal with the knowledge of all of these things is a hard thing to bear, add regret and remorse for the things that I have done and the choices I have made, well, sometimes its hard to get out of bed in the morning. But I do. Every single day. I do. 

What good would I be to squander this new life? This second chance?

I don't want to see other people slip away, and let the darkness win out to the light. There is always hope. There is always good. You have to work you bloody arse off to find it sometimes, but it is there.

I think this is where my passion for going into the prisons stems from, I know in prison somewhere, my birth mother is behind bars, and the things she has done, theyre heinous, totally unforgivable and a lot worse than most of you could begin to imagine, but shes a woman who lost of hope, there must be a way to find it again?

The same goes for all of those behind bars, on the streets, hidden away, I want to show people, there is always tomorrow, there is always today. It is never to late to make a change.

I'll bake, I'll cook, I'll teach, I'll talk, I'll listen, I'll put positives over negatives every day. 

I find peace in knowing that in becoming a better person, I can help other people do the same. 

Happy Mother's Day

I would have sent you flowers,

But they'd live, love and die like we did,

I would have said I love you,

I would have told the truth,
I would have said I miss you,

And that this still hurts like hell.

I miss you every day,

And I hate that I do,

I hate this burning pain,

Does that mean I hate you?

I read back the texts I sent you,

It's me saying sorry and please,

But its you that caused the car crash

Will I ever be free?

You have words that cut like knives,

And you never give me time,

To show you,

To love you,

To find a way to make it right,

You just throw things at me,

They come back to me in the dead of night.

You said I was damaged and that I was no good,

You said that you were better of without me,

So I ran as fast as I could.

You live your life without me,

Like I'm just an echo from before,

You live without your daughter,

Who's laid out on the floor.

I won't say sorry forever,

Because I wasn't always wrong,

I won't beg for you to love me,

This has gone of for too long.

So I didn't text you,

I didn't say I care,

I didn't send my love,

Because your just not there.

I battled with my phone,

It was in my hand all day long,

I had to remind myself,

To just leave it alone.

I work so hard every day,

To put right each wrong,

I work to make it better,

To show you you were wrong.

I can be great, I can be good,

But it will never be enough,

I can be yours, you can be mine, 

But there really is no love.

I'm a name on a piece of paper,

You signed so long ago,

I'm your daughter by law, 

But will forever be, nothing more.

You can close your eyes at night time,

And pretend I don't exist,

But I'll linger in your heart somewhere,

And one day you'll let me in.

I worry about you every day,

I hope that you are all okay,

I love you from this broken heart,

But I come first now with this new start,

The door won't close,

Not from my side,

It's your turn now, 

I've tried and tried.

Come get me when you find your heart,

Because if you don't we'll stay apart.

We'll grow old, we'll turn grey,

And then will come a fateful day,

Where time has passed,

We've lost eachother,

And all we have is hope of heaven.

The Barker Baker behind bars, lets hope not!

Having had a bomb shell of a letter land on my doorstep yesterday, I've been suffering from a crisis of conscience since.
I wonder whether I've been laboring under a misapprehension, was I wrong to have put my needs first?
Is that what this is really about?
I believe with all my heart, the decisions I have made in the year 2013 and 2014 have been the best, most honest, most moral of my life. When walking out of the Crown Court last year, I made a choice. To stop blaming everyone else for my mistakes, my bad decisions. My life is what I made of it, and to be honest, I did a pretty awful job.Never again.

I have made changes in my life I never thought possible. I have conquered demons and dealt with them; instead of burying them. I have accepted responsibility for what I did, the lies I told, the hurt I caused, and the guilt of my actions has almost torn me apart. But what good would I be wallowing in self pity? NONE.

And so, the real Francesca Barker was born. 26 years late, but a beautiful birth non the less. I am proud of who I am, I am proud of what I have done in these 12 short months. If I can achieve this much in 12 months of my life, then I can make something great with the rest of it. I have taken on the world of addiction and beat it, I have tackled my mental health issues instead of hiding behind them, and for a girl with such a shady past, a horry story of a child hood and a complicated adolescence, my downfall was always a long time coming.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, whilst I'm deeply ashamed of what I did, and how I hurt people, this road to ruin, has actually turned out to be a road to redemption. 
TheBarkerBaker is something that has moved from out of the shadows and grown in the sun, and it just keeps on growing.... my idea and vision has opened doors to places and people, its become a real vehicle for change and it makes me so happy. It makes me proud. It made me realise my purpose and my opportunity to give back.

And lo' this letter from the court is a little hard to swallow. 

I realise I am saying "I" a lot, and I think this is where the problem I face arises, I made 2013 the year to turn my life around in order to be a better person, to ensure I lived an honest life for the rest of my life, dependenant upon no substance, nor anyone else. Determined to give back to society, to make a difference and a positive impact. I completed my rehab, I job hunted for months until I was lucky enough to secure a position at the University. It's been a year of hard work, but I am proud of it. Whilst I have not been able to put my best financial foot forward, I have put things in place to ensure I can really tackle my compensation order in an effective and timely manner. However, its too little, too late.

The liklihood of prison as a method of enforcement of non payment is just, whether fair or not is debatable.

This time last year, I had made peace with the things I had done, and was ready and willing to accept my punishment, most likely a custodial sentence. I was terrified but accepting of the concequences. I was so lucky to have been spared incarceration, as I've said, I walked out of that court room determined to make the most of my second chance.

I never expected to feel this feeling of impending doom. This time its different, I have done everything in my power, in my human capacity to be everything I can be, to turn my life around and make a real difference. I set up my own bakery business, having been sent on a baking course by probation and it has become an epic vehicle for change, a real light in the darkness - its changed my life. The very thought of loosing it is breaking my heart.

I'm at a crossroads of conscience, the people I defrauded and hurt shouldn't have to wait and endure this burden, but I truly believe I am better to them as I am, strong, determined, employed, independent and honest than I am strained, deluded, and overstretched making promises of payment I just can't honour. I have refused to be the girl who says "your cheques in the post" and instead opted for the brutally honest, I dont have a penny to my name, its all I can do to keep my head above water, but I am giving back the only way I can and thats through me. My baking classes in the community, my bread that goes out in food parcels for foodbanks, my part in the market trade in Manchester, those of are impacts I make every day and it takes me closer to paying back what I owe.

My business is on the up, with huge support from Twitter, the community, and business like o2 who have just awarded me a grant for the business to expand its reach and help more people. Its a beautiful journey and its really taking speed, I know, right now in this moment, I am good person. I am a changed person. Most importantly, I am person who can make reparation for what I've done, through my business and through my job, I can pay this debt in an honest manner, but not with a noose around my neck.

I've never shyed away from what I did, I went to the Police station with my solicitor and sat down and told my story from start to finish. I was consumed with guilt, as I should have been, I had been selfish and deceitful. I'm not that person anymore, and I don't want to walk into a court room feeling like I am. That's why I'm finding this hard to deal with. Punish me as criminal, I was. Punish me as a girl who's worked her socks off to put a life together in order to face the ordeals of compensation orders, rent days, council tax arrears and real life? It's a little hard to swallow.

Regardless, I am willing to accept whatever the court has to say, because I have not honoured my sentence, I have not paid these people what they deserve. It is my mistake. I am living in hope that they see why I have not paid the order, and recognise my efforts and my change and my intention to gain stability in order to face this.

Friends have rallied around and donated money to the page in order to put me in good stead for my court date. The total debt is many thousands, we were hoping as a group, a community, that a milestone of £2000 will show the court I'm serious, show them I'm capable and show them I have people in my life right now who will support me in my endeavour to clear this debt. People who I will ultimately loose if I'm sent to prison, along with my business, my job, my partner, my life really.

I'd like to say thank you to the wonderful support I have received thus far, both financial and more importantly, in the kind words some of you have shared with me.
I take great comfort and great pride in the fact I have managed to show people the real me but most importantly, that everyone deserves a second chance. If you are willing to work to be a better person, then there is always hope for great things to come. So fingers crossed.....

xx

Time for change

My life has taken me to many a strange place.
There have been times I didn't think I would ever see the day that I would be walking around Manchester, holding hands, walking in the rain, counting down to a warm shower and an owl onesie with a cup of tea and a pussycat called Gordon.

Amongst the lesbian cliche, I found myself oddly grateful, I wandered into the shop to buy a tin of cat food and there was a man sat outside, in the pouring rain, with a rather well used looking polystyrene cup, asking the masses of people stepping around him for change.

I had just enough change for the bus home in my pocket but I couldn't get the image of this man out of my mind while I was waiting for the bus, so I marched to the nearest cash machine, took some money out and went and bought some sandwiches. This may sound like a private school girls ease of conscience but believe me it was much more than that.

This man's face has played on my mind since I saw him, since he said thank you, since I got on the bus to my little house, where the heating was on full blast.

I ran away from home. I wasn't a teenager. I was old enough to have a handle on my life but I didn't. My parents broke my heart and I ran, I got a train to London with the money that I had left of my allowance and took the battery out of my phone. I disappeared.
The money ran out. I was homeless. In the city where I was born. In the city where I was once great. In the city that could have made me, but I lost it.
I went to an internet cafe and searched for options, and sadly fell upon one that most girls do in the same situation.
I was picked up, driven to warehouse in Brent Cross. It wasn't warm. There were lots of girls there, mostly Polish, they seemed happy with the way things were. I shared a bed with a girl called Emily, we didn't sleep. Mice crawled across the bedsheets and kept us awake. The shower was cold, but it was water. A man brought us Mcdonalds if we were good. I had forgotten what it was like.
Friends begged my parents to take notice of the fact I had fallen off the face of the earth, they knew something had happened, they knew I'd left with my heart in my hands. I just didn't care.
I didn't want that life anymore, they didn't want me, so I ran, as far from that world as possible.
After 3 months I turned my mobile phone back on, I had a voicemail from my grandma, she didn't say much, she just said "Come home"
I called my mother, she was annoyed I'd bothered her. She asked me what I had been doing, where I was, how I was surviving without their money, I said one word "prostitution"
She put the phone down.
I lived a life in a blur, I thought I was taking control and regaining the power I had lost, it's only now when I have time and strength to reflect I realise I was wrong. All it left me with was shame and an addiction.
I sometimes take the bus to London, it goes past that warehouse. I squeeze her hand extra hard when we go around that god forsaken ring road.
She has the ability to make me forget, the things that broke me, she makes me forget that place, that time. She makes me feel clean, loved, worth and I love her for it.

My point is, I used to walk by people in the rain, until people walked by me.
I don't want anyone to feel like I did, and I know I can't change the world, but I can make it better.

So I need your help, I need time, I need hands, I need love, I need hope.
We'll make soup, we'll make sandwiches, we'll make tea and toast.
We'll have blankets, and jumpers and whatever it takes.
Because there is no such thing as invisible anymore.

Change is now

I was watching Coronation Street tonight, gripping the sofa with tears in my eyes.

Julie Hesmondahalgh was just.. wonderful.

It's my biggest fear. It's my biggest worry.

With my separation from my family, what if something happens and I'm not there to be a daughter, a sister?

I found out through the grapevine a few months before I was due in the Crown Court to be sentenced that the woman I love most in my life was ill.
No-one told me. I wasn't part of their life anymore, therefore I fore-fitted my right to know.
I was heartbroken, I have never felt so powerless.

Was that the real price I paid for the mistakes I have made? To loose all that I love and care for?
I am lucky enough to have beautiful people in my life who have stood by me but I can't shake the agonizing pain and worry that no matter what I do, I have lost my family forever.

I feel an immense sense of pride, when I wake up every morning, I wake up with purpose, vigour, love and I know its a day for change, a day for progress. I am very lucky. Not everyone gets to have a second chance.

So I had the bombshell, a year ago, she was sick.
I rang every hospital I could think of, asked questions no-one would tell me the answer to.
I turned up at one with a bag of random crap, thinking it might help.
Diet coke - her favourite. A sponge - useful; no-one likes hospital sponge baths do they?
Cake - something edible, delicious, made by my own fair hand and therefore fully loaded with a little too much buttercream.
A card - what could I say? It was simple "I just want you to know I am thinking about you and you are always in my heart. I live around the corner if you need ANYTHING ANYTIME, I can and will be here" with my mobile number scrawled dodging the teardrop marked page.

What if I lost her? What would I do? With no chance to make things right and no opportunity for her to see the real me and not the idiot that got lost through a decade of mistakes???

Sometimes I go to sleep at night and shes the last thing I think of, does she think of me?

Sometimes I text, it's not welcomed, but I try.
That's all I can do for now.

I made this change for me, she will see if soon whether she wants to or not.

And when shes wanders into her local deli and picks up a loaf and thinks OMG THIS IS THE BEST BREAD I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE, maybe then I'll get a text back :)

In the meantime, I'll do little things that make real change possible.
I'm running the Great Manchester Run.
I'm baking for a gala dinner.
I can't go into Wilkinsons because I put all my money in the Christies Charity pots!

My point is, little things is all it takes.

When it comes to Cancer, change is now.

Iron Lung

Iron Lung

More like Margaret Thatcher,

Maybe then I’d stand a chance.

More iron lady, less iron lung.

You’ve been my life support from the moment this begun,

Watching me move through the years,

Traces of cotton on the pavement, you watch me come undone.

Stitched together loosely, held together by just the air,

It’s no wonder this broken puppet, is far beyond repair.

I’ll dance until the day is old, until you tell me to stop,

I’ll sing, I’ll chant, I’ll recite each word you want,

If we are in the same choir, I’ll let you come out on top,

I’ll whisper the words so no-one hears me,

All they’ll see is you,

I’ll be the shadow you didn’t know you had,

Because you are supposed to be my sun;

I’m the earth that moves round you,

Escaping darkness dusk til dawn,

From your heart, my life is to be drawn.

So the monitor keeps on beeping,

It tells me I live a life,

Because to be a fragment, to be a memory,

It would be better to let die.

Watch you float away like a ripple in a pond,

It’s been so long, I don’t think you’ve noticed that I’ve gone.

All that binds us is a surname,

All that holds us is a past

The hope for me is a half empty glass.

Pessimism wins out this time

Because it feels more like a draught;

A scorching desert of memories,

That fall through time like sand,

I sit and wait again and again,

And watch the obnoxious hand.

You don’t come, you don’t care,

I sit, phone in hand,

It feels like some sort of dare.

You are my iron lung.

Created to keep me strong,

Yet somehow I’m dependent upon you,

Being played like a puppet,

Being playfully strung along.

So its sink or swim,

I rip the band aid off,

Can I breathe without you?

Is this what I have become?

A tragedy, a car crash, desperately holding on?

I’ll tear this travesty from my chest,

And let it all go to hell,

I’ll let the oxygen consume me,

I’ll let my lungs and heart swell.

I don’t know how to remove you,

Without taking out of piece of my heart,

But it feels like that’s the right place to start.

I’ve tried to show you I’m changing,

I’ve tried to forgive you for the beginning,

I’ve tried to make you see, I wasn’t the only one sinning.

But its empty words falling on deaf ears,

You’re a blind man with an iron heart.

So my iron lung doesn’t feel so bad in comparison,

I’ll be Maggie.

Less iron lung. More iron lady.

Just watch me