Pandora's box

This blog sounds like it is written, from a broken heart, revolving around issues that plague my day to day life... It was created to be a place of hope, whilst that might not always shine through, my life is filled with hope. This blog is filled with hope, and I hope that through the darkness, the light always does shine through.

I'm on a journey of self discovery, as cheesy as that sounds, I have spent a lot of time, taking apart pieces of my life and trying to put them back in the right order, at the right time, in the right place. It has been very much a case of opening Pandora's box, but therein lies the beauty of it. The very concept of Pandora's box seems most apt for what is taking place in my life, there have been absolute horrors and obstacles that would for most, demoralize and destroy hope, but it is only in digging through these and exorcising them, that I can get to the bottom of that box. Just as goes the story of Pandora "Only hope was left within her unbreakable house"

The first thing a probation officer ever said to me was "If I had lived a life like yours, I would either be dead, or would have a best selling book, so I guess you'll have to write a book" - it broke the ice to say the least; but it got me thinking.

I have overcome so many things in my life, and I'm still standing. I won't ever give up because I know just how good my life can be. I see beautiful things every single day, whether it be my fiance sleeping, the cat yawning, or someone doing something for someone else, how can you ever live a life without hope when there is so much to be grateful for?

It struck me again, I was waiting for my other half outside the supermarket in Fallowfield, the sun was shining, I was looking good, feeling good, and I felt contented. I stood outside deliberating what I should buy for dinner, and my mind wandered off into bread land where I considered new recipes and new ideas for the business and just as my imagination began to run wild, a homeless lady rocked up and sat outside the supermarket, wrapped up in a pretty shoddy looking sleeping began, and lo' the sun literally disappeared and it began to rain. Typical for her? Typical for me? The epitomy of my life at times, all sunshine and light, positivity and hope and then comes the rain to wash it all away!

I wandered into Sainsburys and bought a sandwich, a cup of tea and a bottle of water. I know its not much, but its what I had, and its what she needed. - No, what this woman needed was hope. How can you instill that in someone who is faced with nothingness every day? It just fills me with such passion for change, I spent the rest of the day rambling to Sarah about how I could make a real change, soup kitchen, clothes collection, food banks, getting more people into hostels and off the street. It's something that keeps me awake at night. I have battled demons like most people could only find in their nightmares, I've grown up with images and words trapped in my head that only made sense when I got to read child court case records about horrific sexual and domestic abuse I fell foul of as a little girl, I had to make my way through my University career being rudely interrupted by a graphic rape which left me with an STD and an unwanted pregnancy. I ran off to London, homeless, thrown into a world of awful things, which resulted in a drug addiction that almost ruined my life. I lost my family, my home, all the people I had grown up with, ripped away and left completely alone, with nothing and no-one. I lost hope. I hated everything and everyone around me and let my life fall apart and careered happily down the road to ruin with not a care in the world to where I would end up. Dead? Maybe. Prison? Probably. But I just didn't care.

I see these men and women on the streets and all I can think is, how did you get there? What happened to you? Did you loose your family? Did someone hurt you? Did you get pulled into an addiction that resulted in loosing everything? The biggest question that burns in my heart is : Why don't you do something?

I was born in London. I'm still drawn to it, because I know the part of me I've lost is in that city somewhere and the only way to find it is to go back and look for it. My mother, Bridie Kehoe, a convicted murderer, whore, drug addict and general disaster area. How did she end up like that? What was so awful that she threw her life away and didn't care to rescue it at any point? I think about her a lot. I fear the blood  that runs in my veins is too much of her and not enough of me. I have spent a lot of time hating that woman. The things I read, the things she did, the way she let horrible people pass her daughter around, because she was just as used and worthless, it makes me sick  to think about it, but then the anger and the hate are run out of my mind by pity, worry, regret. Could she have been saved? I'm 26, I've lived the life of 100 people and I'm still standing. 

Admittedly it took a court case to make me realise how far down the road of no hope I really was, but I did. I looked at my life, I looked at myself, and I didn't like it. I wanted more. I bloody well deserved more. What did I fight so hard for if I was willing to give it up so easily?????

I am having a love affair, with myself, with this person I'm uncovering, but its not all sweetness and light, there is a darkness in me that needs to be erased, one person can't live the life I have and avoid the anger and aftermath forever. To deal with the knowledge of all of these things is a hard thing to bear, add regret and remorse for the things that I have done and the choices I have made, well, sometimes its hard to get out of bed in the morning. But I do. Every single day. I do. 

What good would I be to squander this new life? This second chance?

I don't want to see other people slip away, and let the darkness win out to the light. There is always hope. There is always good. You have to work you bloody arse off to find it sometimes, but it is there.

I think this is where my passion for going into the prisons stems from, I know in prison somewhere, my birth mother is behind bars, and the things she has done, theyre heinous, totally unforgivable and a lot worse than most of you could begin to imagine, but shes a woman who lost of hope, there must be a way to find it again?

The same goes for all of those behind bars, on the streets, hidden away, I want to show people, there is always tomorrow, there is always today. It is never to late to make a change.

I'll bake, I'll cook, I'll teach, I'll talk, I'll listen, I'll put positives over negatives every day. 

I find peace in knowing that in becoming a better person, I can help other people do the same.