Friday 13th October 2006, the day that changed my life

I found my student card from when I was at University today.
I spent the first 10 minutes romanticizing the time I had there and then the slow dawning of the realization of when that photo was taken.
I started my second term at Uni, happy, free from family drama, ready to take on the world. That photo was taken at the end of September, with me, hungover from a mad night, sat in the library rather unimpressed at having to have a photo etched onto a piece of plastic when not looking particularly attractive... I'm looking at it now, and jesus, time has changed me.
Second year at University began, with relief, escapism from a family situation which was splitting my mind in two. Playing the part I thought I was supposed to at home, and counting down the days to when I could take the mask off - all very dramatic for a 19 year old girl, but life was hard.
Easy in so many ways, so fortunate, so lucky, but so trapped.

I remember unpacking the day I got back to campus, I was with my dad for the last 5 minutes while my mum sat in the car downstairs. I had a great room. Top floor, sea view. Massive. Freedom.
Only downside - it was pink?!
I have the same problem with my dad, whenever I see him, even if its recently. I dread it. I faff. I dress up. I fake it. I smile. I lie. (not these days!)
I worry.
And still to this day, he never fails to rip me with the opening line. Last time it was "Lost weight have we?" sarcasm loaded like a bullet.
My favourite was last year, when he came to see me in hospital, he glanced at my food menu, I had ordered chocolate sponge and custard for the pudding, he laughed and crossed it out.
To say I have a problem with my weight would be an understatement, but looking at this photo on my old student card, I can see I've taken the "I don't care" diet a little too far.

That photo was taken at one of the happiest times of my life. I had aced my first year of Uni, was steam rolling into second year with not a care in the world. On Friday 13th October, everything changed.
A night that has destroyed me.
A night that I can't get out of my head and it's nearly 10 years ago.

After that night, I never said a word. I found out I was pregnant, I felt sick, disgusted, angry.
Still, I didn't say I word. I booked my abortion and fell apart.

I didn't leave that pink room at University for weeks, waiting for the date, first week of December. Bronglais Hospital. Counting down.
I hid in the daytimes and went out and drank myself into oblivion masquerading as student living, night after night, burning money, so much money. Washing it away.
I felt guilty, selfish.
The day came, I went to the hospital, it was hell.
Tablets. I fainted. I bled. I cried.
It went wrong. I had to have an operation. Some things don't change!!
I was so scared. I had hidden it all away and now I had explaining to do.

I couldn't be the perfect daughter over Christmas break, I was so ill. I had to tell them.
So I lied. And I still don't know if it was for my sake or for theirs.
If I told them I was raped by a big black man 1 month into Uni, would they care? Would they help?
Would they say it was my fault? Would they discard my attempts at coming out as a casualty of that night?
So I lied.
Fit, fantastic Fran, had a one night stand and made a mistake.
My dads response? He was an emotional wreck. Said I should have had the baby, he could have looked after it while I finished Uni and we could have gone from there. Desperate for the straight life much?
My mums response? I was a selfish cow. How could I have had an abortion when there were women like her who couldn't have children?
It cut me like a knife.
I hadn't thought of it that way.
Was I wrong?
No. It was toxic. A reminder. And it had to go.

I never pulled myself together after that. The lies split me in two.
Such a huge secret to carry. Only to have it aired in a court room as mitigation, a sob story.
It didn't feel real hearing it out loud, reading the doctors notes, the personal tutors emails, the head of department report.
One night and my life, my future was gone.

I pulled myself back together and plodded on into third year, left uni, left it all behind and made a hundred mistakes thereafter.

I'm looking at this photo. I am that girl again. With a purer heart (and a wider waistline)
But its beautiful closure.
I was determined to be something then.
To be proud of.
To be heard of.
To be respected.
To be loved.

I strive for those things every day.

I'm a fucked up 27 year old with a head full of vision and a heart full of truth.
It's only taken me a decade to find it.

I'm so lucky to have a second chance.

Secrets and lies, destroy us.

Set them free

Time elapsing......

Today is August 8th 2014.
Back then it was February 8th 2013.

Today is the day.
The day my suspended sentence ends.

18 months that have changed my life.

So I think a few thank you's are in order.

My beautiful other half, you have held my hand through all of this, you mad bugger. I love you.
You have inspired me, supported me and made me a better person. You have trusted me to build a better life for us, to find myself, to find my way back to you, with patience and love and for that, I will be forever grateful.

My amazing in-laws, I will never understand your odd relationship with your dog or your obsession with quiz nights, you are beautiful kind people and I am proud to be part of your family. You hop in the car and zoom down the M6 when I'm in hospital, you give me hugs on Christmas day and a special place under the tree for my presents, you buy spontaneous gifts of cook books or hoovers, because you know their much needed. Sarah is the epitomy of your kindness, and she will bring it to our children, honesty and strength, you are really quite something <3

My friends, I've spent my entire life looking for you, and over the past year or so, I've discovered who you really are. You are the girl I grew up with, buying me Villeroy and Boch for my birthday as we strive to grow up and be the women we dreamt we would be, you are incredible, beautiful and a rock I've loved for a decade xx
To the man who saved me from a strange place and had faith that I would do him right one day. You gave me stability and hope. I will repay it <3
The people who don't know me, but read this blog and found they did, you helped keep me on the right track and supported me through it all. Kind words from strangers, and even donations to a page, you will never know how much I thank you, but I'll show you in everything that I do.
Silly things like people in other worlds engaging, through little comments and kind words. It keeps me driven and humble, it's more than I deserve. Thank you.
You are the people who saw my crowdfunding page on facebook and got back in touch, you invested your £5, £10, time and kind words, you gave me the confidence and pride to strive for me and keep at it. You are the secret cake baker, whose mum is legendary and still makes me laugh to think of. You are the rugby player who has the worlds most beautiful hair and heart - and who my mum actually liked (holy crap) You are the woman I want to be, you know just what to say, you keep me grounded and inspired, I read your blog every day. You are the trader, the magician, the reason I've put on a stone, when I see you, I can't help but smile because you are passionate and you are kind. We started out together and we've made our merry way, last week that hug in the rain, really saved my day. You are the full set I inherited through my lovely other half, you are the creative strong one, with words of wisdom beyond your age. You are the lawyer, the insightful, the quiet and the strong. You are the new girl, my love, my 400th twitter follower, my best friend and my goodness you are beautiful and know me better than I know myself, with posh cordials for presents and hugs on-tap, I am lucky girl, to have all of you. You make me better. You've made me Fran.

It's started to sound a bit poem like, but I'm writing as I feel, you have changed me and made me, and I feel so grateful. It's raining outside, literally bouncing off the pavement. I'm sat in my pyjama's on a Friday, they have dinosaurs on. I'm 27 and I'm happy, or the closest I've ever been. She is sat on the sofa, looking over recipes and ideas and we are brainstorming and we are working and we are planning our next move.

Today it's shepherds pie, we are reading Delia. The food is cooking, the house smells amazing. The cat is asleep on the window sill. This is heaven.
I have searched my whole life, for normal. For love. For pride. And I feel it as I'm typing.
We picked blackberries in the garden, to make a pie and some jam, as you do on a Friday in Longsight....

There are people in my life who have shown me what I lost. There are people who have trusted me. There are people who care.
I've had encouragement, support and love. I really am the luckiest girl in the world.

SO, it's 18 months on, and the next 18 are set to be a game changer, a life changer, a real step up.
We have markets, workshops, wholesale, business is good.
We have wedding planning and baby making and a life we knew we would.

I made the biggest mistakes of my life, and I wake up every day feeling guilty.
I feel angry and sad and wonder how to get up and make it right.

That is exactly what I'll do.
Positives over negatives.
Every single day.

Until this suspended sentence, isn't a death sentence.
It's just a sentence on a page.

On the streets of Manchester

I heard a laugh today.
A laugh I haven't heard for 8 years and it made me freeze. Stop in time. Go back in time. And I got lost.
On a day of such promise, I had part of my heart yanked out like I was 19 again.
Riding the lovely bus through Manchester, I was in a world of my own, brain storming in silence, 101 ideas a minute, standard.
And there it was. That laugh.
I grabbed Sarah's hand and asked her "The man, on the phone, behind us, sat near the back. Is he a big black guy, over 6ft" my description went on and on, specifics, like it was just yesterday I saw his face. He spoke, he laughed, he talked. A free man. Back on the streets of Manchester. And just like that, the child in me is reignited and my fear chokes me like it did back then.
I chose to be brave this time. I turned to check if my imagination was teasing me, but no, the nightmare was really true. There he was. The destroyer. The man who took my life from me. Laughing on the phone, jolly, life easy as pie, not a care in the world. Dressed in a supermarket uniform, sat 4 seats behind me on the bus ride to my future, dredging up my past.
Manchester likes to play these jokes on me, one step forwards, three steps back.
I've spent nearly a decade getting over it, boxing it off as just a bad dream.
There are some things you can't escape, not forever.
So what do you do when you are faced with the boogeyman? Your greatest fear?
You walk away.
I whispered to Sarah, we got off the bus, and as it pulled away, he gave me a wink from the window. I was almost sick right there on the curb.
8 years ago, I locked myself in my university halls of residence, drew the curtains, I didn't leave. I was too ashamed, too scared to face the world. I let it all go.
Tins of empty tuna dotted around my bedroom floor, empty bottles of alcohol and relics of a broken heart. He broke me.
When I sit and think about my future and plan my family, my hopes, my dreams. It comes back to that day.
The only child I'll ever have was his. A sick twist of fate. I passed out in the hospital when they told me I was pregnant, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I'd fought to bury that day, that night, fought to put it to one side, carry on with my life and lo' the repercussions of it, inside me. I felt sick. Toxic. I put plans in place to exorcise it from me, controversial to some but not for me, I hated myself for even having it inside me, for not fighting hard enough, for not punching hard enough, kicking, screaming, non of it was enough to keep me from ending up here.
The pregnancy that ruined my future, that scarred me inside and out and made sure I would remember that day forever. Made sure I'd have to think about it when I'm planning a future with my love, my life.
We want children, we want family and because of him, there is no guarantee that it will happen.
I had to drag her off the bus today, she was like a woman possessed, determined to fight for my honour and my heart all these years on. I tried to tell her its too late. Theres nothing in the world that could make it right.
And there he was, smirking, at the two of us. He told people who questioned him about his crimes I was his crowning glory, the lesbian, the icing on his cake.
I hated that man for such a long time. I replayed it in my head 1000 times, what I could have done different, would he had survived it if I had fought harder? I looked him in the eyes today and all I heard was the last thing he said to me before his final strike across the face "I don't know why I bothered, it was like fucked a dead fish, you could have least pretended to enjoy it"
Hows that for a happy thought on a thursday.......

Off I went to my meeting, smiling, determined not to let him win. You see, he took my life once, I won't let that happen again. I walked, I walked, I drank coffee and made plans.
I breathed slowly and made it through my day, because thats what you do. You fight demons and darkness with the light. You put your best foot forward, you fight for your future and everything thats yours.
19 year old me hid and cried, and lied and lied. Drank myself into oblivion and took every drug under the sun to numb it, to dull it. Today was a snapshot of hell. But I conquered.
I didn't run to the nearest pub, I didn't dig around in my brain for mobile numbers I once knew by heart to bring me some sweet release. So you see, I won.
I walked around the supermarket, I bought a few treats. I reflected on the days plans and I looked forward to tomorrow.

If I can face my darkest demon, and look that bastard in the eye and still come out on top. Then he didn't take it all, just a short passage of time. Because now it's all me. And he is just a sad man who steals moments, and I'm the girl who creates movements in time. Past, present, future. The best is yet to come.
Positives over negatives.

They call it love

The sunlight creeps through the blinds,
And she's managed it again,
Oh yes - she's asleep on my side.

She is wrapped up in the duvet,
She will wake in the night,
Sneak it back over me,
Like a ninja,
She will pretend it was there, untouched.

I love her. So so much.

It's always her most beautiful hour,
The waking minutes...
Before we get up, get out and shower.
Somewhere between awake and asleep,
We steal glances in the morning,
She's a sneaky one, a little sleep creep!
Inching closer for a kiss on the cheek,
It's followed by the first words shes says every morning,
I open my eyes just to hear her speak.

I love you.
Then she says my name.
And I remember who I am,
And how I found myself.

A shadow on a wall,
Always just out of reach.
It tricked me for so long,
I only existed when the sunlight came out,
Flickering in places
Fading away at the end of the day.

Darkness.

So maybe she's the moonlight, the sunlight,
The dusk, the dawn.
All I know is when she holds me,
I'm somehow reborn.
Each day a new beginning,
A new start, a new chance.

Sometimes we fall asleep,
I don't know where I end and she starts,
Because we are bound together,
I can hear the beating of her heart.
I fall asleep on her,
Sometimes she laughs when I have a little snore,
Sometimes she pokes me,
Because she doesn't want to hear anymore.

There has been nights where she talks,
Completely in the dark,
Fast asleep and dreaming,
She pulls on my heart.
She whispers I love you in the silence,
And I press my lips to hers.
Oh shes clever this girl,
I fall for it everytime,
She grabs me like a tiger and says quietly that shes mine.

So I can be lost,
She will find me,
I can be broken,
We will fix it.
I can be everything I want to be,
I can walk on water,
I can conquer,
I can triumph,
I can shine.

Because that girl,
The love of my life,
She makes everything just fine.
Like a fire burning brightly,
We'll move forward together,
And hope for love to last forever,
Until the end of time.

Pause for thought

What a night.
So humbling.... I'm overwhelmed really, a room full of beautiful hearts and resilient minds.
A girl tapped me on the shoulder while I was at the bar and said "Are you TheBarkerBaker?" and that she was an avid reader of this blog and she found me to be an inspiration.
Well. I was stunned. What a lovely thing for someone to say, even if it did leave me feeling a little lost.
I am so proud to have found the strength to address all that was wrong in my life, bit by bit, taking it apart and building it bigger and better than ever before. I heard people's stories today at the Mind Charity event and I had to look at the floor for some of it so as not to draw attention to the tear in my eye.
Such bravery. Where do we find the power to stand tall and face our demons and then go the extra mile to exorcise them in public in the hope that in doing so it inspires someone to do the same, find the hope, the better day, the real tomorrow.
Claire Symonds said she was ashamed, ashamed to be so broken. If I could have hugged a woman I'd never met without it being completely weird, I would have dashed across the room and the stage and just given her a bloody squeeze.
Broken. A word that packs such a punch.
I am broken. I have been broken for a long time. I've been resentful of it, I've hated myself for it, I've blamed other people for it, but it's only recently that I've come to be OK with it.
So I've baggage a plenty and a horror story of a past, should it be my undoing and the destruction of my future? Of course bloody not.
I lived in such shame, scared to talk about it, scared to admit it, for a girl with a lack of identity to admit she was broken... would that be my only label? Not much of a way to move forward when having a tagline like that.
And lo' I'm here, I am strong, I am proud. We are incredible and we are strong.
A room full of people, all muddling their way through life, up hill struggles, heartbreak and hurt, damage to the soul and to the body, we are broken.
We came together with that in common and we move forward with it in our hearts, to recover, to regain, to live.
I met a girl when I was at University, we passed through the years, she had her secrets and I had mine, it's only today we saw eachother for who we really were and it was something quite beautiful.
She is beautiful with an energy for change that just makes you want to be involved!
And so, I baked, I sold, we made some money for a great charity, but it's me that came away with the real prize, I got to see I'm not alone, I shouldn't have suffered in silence and that I never have to.

A few loaves and a few words, giving to charity soothes the soul, especially if its a guilt burdened as mine for the things that I have done.

I will always have an open heart to the people who need it, a loaf, an ear, a hand, a hug.
Thank you for reading, and thank you to all of you who told me how much these words mean to you in times of darkness and light.

<3

The hardest habit to break....

I let cocaine take over my life, I ran with it firmly in my hands and in my heart for a long time.
It was a love affair. A toxicity I couldn't quite shake because of its beautiful escapism.
What a strange way to describe a vice that almost destroyed me. It seems I hold such destructive powers
close to my heart no matter what damage it causes.
It's a quality of mine I am all to familiar with, knowing when the right thing is to let it go, and not wanting to.
Heart vs Head. Sometimes it's not that simple.
For example, as soon as I made the choice to stop hiding behind lies and drugs, I set myself free. An instantaneous decision that changed my life for the better, forever.
When it comes to family, things are a little harder to loosen my grip on.

I'm a lost little girl inside a 26 year old woman's body. I go about my day to day life like it doesn't hurt anymore, like it never did. But the hole remains gaping, aching and it yearns for what it's never quite had.
Family.
Oh I can fill the gap, I can plug it with hopes and desires and friends and lovers, I can fill it with hard work and dreams to strive for.
But its hard to ignore the fact that I'm alone in this world, and that the legacy I'm working to create begins with me, with no trace of anything that happened before.
I tell Sarah all the time, I want to build something great, to be remembered, for the good; not the bad. For the positive. For the change. I can do all of those things. I have a passion and a hope that burns so deep in my heart it almost shouts louder than whats lost.
I want to marry her, to grow old, to hold her hand for as long as its mine. I want to say I love you every day and feel it in my fingertips when they find hers.

I text my dad today. He turned 60. I woke up with this searing fear, tears in my eyes from the moment of realization, today is the 9th May, he's another year older...and so am I. We are another year apart, with a bridge that burned long ago, with a heart that broke on both sides, and somehow we can't seem to find eachother.
Have you ever woken up with fear, sheer fear, of loss. What is it I am loosing? A father? A friend? Neither?
He may not live up to the title as our labels burn away, but he is my daddy, he's the man in the trendy leather jacket and the sparkling blue eyes and now he's older, he's less Pierce Brosnan and more George Bush but my god, it's toxic, this absolute adoration and love.
I wish I could quit it, I'd erase it if I could, but I can't, because all three of them run through my heart and my mind, every single day, just like my blood.

Unrequited, not a lover, but a daughter, a sister, whatever my title is to be.

Will it be like this forever? A text message like an arrow.

I strive everyday for things that will make our lives great, happy, easy, forfilled.
All of which is completely attainable. I have no doubt the greatest things are yet to come, because I know how I feel and what I want.

So one day when we are older, we are married, with a house full of cats and kids, baking, teaching, learning, loving, cuddling, will they be a part of it? Or just a memory?
Sometimes I trick myself and wonder if the memories I have are just stories trapped in my mind, little lies I told myself once and didn't go away.
Like our last meal together, it was just me and him, sat at the kitchen table, talking, really talking.
He was sad, he was honest, he knew we had no chance, but we lied to eachother and pretended everything was fine. I was happy, he was happy and we smiled and ate our dinner.
He tricked me that day. For one, what he said were mushrooms were actually lamb kidneys and I almost choked as he laughed. He knew I wouldn't try them if I knew. A fathers trick. I'll have to try that one...
For two, we pretended we were... as we should be, when we knew that's just not what we are.

Happy Easter, Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday?

In a parallel universe, 

I'm there.

And we are laughing.

Oh we're laughing.

On another planet,

At another time,

I'm in your life,

And your in mine.

We are a family,

And we say I love you,

With honesty and care.

And as I sit here and write this,

It hurts you are not there.

A vacant text message,

Sent on a distant Christmas Day,

I don't even want that,

I want the occasional -

   "Are you OK?"

I'd tell you I'm fine,

But it would be a lie,

And I don't do that anymore,

So I'll tell you why.

I held her hand yesterday,

And on her shoulder I had a little cry,

Because days like Easter, Christmas, birthdays,

Aren't meant to just pass by.

I cried my heart out,

Completely lost control,

I let my tears run down,

I showed her a sneak peak of my soul.

She tells me I'm part of her life now,

And I don't need my past,

But it's a shadow on a sunny day,

That leaves my life always somehow overcast.

I'm 27 on the 27th of May,

And you won't be there for what is a special day.

I'm released from my sentence,

Which means I'm almost free,

From the court room, from the old me,

From the dishonesty.

It'll be a new day,

Where I get the real second chance,

To step into the sunlight,

No more fear of the night.

I was yours when I was 4 years old,

You got me the best birthday cake there ever was,

It was a Forever Friends bear, 

I've never quite forgot,

It was as big as me,

With a smile that could reach the moon.

Why does it feel like our life together,

Ended really much too soon.

It feels like someone died,

And that I'm somehow supposed to mourn,

Because you live your days,

Like I haven't even been born.

I was a flicker of your imagination,

Of a daydream you once had,

I'm the perfect little daughter,

And your my oh so proud dad.

Your my mummy,

And you love me,

And I try every day to make you proud,

It seems I'm too late in second chances,

Or at least I've used up all I had.

I work hard every day to make life great,

For me, for her, 

To make up for the time I've wasted,

For the life I threw away.

I secretly labour in your memory too,

That I'll achieve greatness,

You'll be proud,

You'll be happy,

You'll be back in my life,

And I'll be free.

Keeping my foot in the door,

So it never closes,

Is growing more tiresome everyday.

I know I promised to keep it open,

But my hope is ebbing away.

It's occasionally replaced with anger,

As I sit and wonder why,

I put myself through this.

All you do is make me cry.

You never got to know me,

You didn't want to try,

I was baggage and I was broken,
It was easier to hide.

Yet this heart wanders,

Upon a broken land.

That one day we'll meet in the middle.

And you will take my hand.

Until then Christmas will haunt me,

As our traditions become mine,
I'll put positives over negatives,

And move on over time.

She makes me stronger,

I feel like I could take on the world,
And I will.

And when I rule it,

We'll see who says Happy Easter, Merry Christmas, How are you today?

And I'll text back or I won't

Be either way,

I'm OK.