15,000 kids and counting....?

I'm currently watching "15,000 kids and counting" on Channel 4, and I'm half horrified, half unsurprised by it.
I was always surprised by the adoption process my parents went through to get my brother and I.
A catalogue - quite literally of potential children, blonde, blue eyed, baggage, tick where appropriate and they did. They wanted a baby, or as close to that as they could get. Cue my brother, blonde, beautiful, baby, baggage free BUT with a somewhat fucked up sister in tow. Also cute, blonde, cheeky, pretty perfect additions to an affluent Cheshire couple looking to complete the picture.
My parents made allowances in their search for the perfect child, they ended up with what they wanted, and they ended up with... me.
As I said in a previous blog, it was an audition process. My parents saw a video of my brother and I, I danced around, showing off my artwork, I read a rather incredible chapter from the kittens who lost their mittens, whilst my brother rolled around in a social workers arms. The camera panned out and then cut back to filming jay struggling with a puzzle box, trying desperately to force a star shape into a square hole, it just wasn't happening for him but he gave it a bloody good go. There's a really funny scene where the social worker Sue puts jay in a baby swing outside and when we watched this video back a few years ago, it gave us the giggles. Jay is happily swaying back and forth, with Sue pushing him a little too vigerously and then there is this massive CROOOOW in the background and Sue and the woman holding the camera say "ooooh gosh, what a very big cock" well - of course she was talking about the cockrell that was crowing in the background, but when you are a silly teenager watching this video for the first time having found it in box when moving house, its the funniest thing you've ever seen.

I remember the day my parents came to see us for the first time. We were on a farm, with our foster carers, Jed and Lorraine, they were amazing. They gave me a birthday cake, the first one I ever remember and I got so excited I almost blew the candle out from giddiness. It was small, and round and had a fondant bear on it, it was magical. I'd never had one before.
We stayed on the farm with them, there were fields, a broken chair that spun round, a donkey and horse which we named Dusty and Frosty (by we, I mean me and the other foster kids) it was a bit like a farm for lost children and lost animals. These people had massive hearts, they loved us for what we were, and weren't afraid to tell the social workers.
My parents rolled up in a white mercedes and it was like some sort of princess' carriage, they were so cool. Smart, trendy, young, everything you'd dream of if you didn't have a mummy and daddy. My mum wore white pants and had beautiful blonde hair and I remember thinking, my hair looks like that! My dad was beautiful and kind and had strong arms and blue eyes. They were perfect. We spent time together on the farm, I sat on his knee in the posh car, and played with the electric sunroof, it opened and closed so often, the magic did not wear off. They brought us a pair of Nike trainers each. We hadn't had shoes that fit properly before, they were always two sizes too small. Jay and I have such weird toes, that when he had his car accident in South Africa, the nurses who looked after him while paralysed said to my mum "Oh gosh, did he damage his feet in the accident?" - we're not monsters or anything, nothing webbed, but you know, a little odd! But years of small shoes will do that to a pinky or two!

So anyway, white princess carriage, blonde beautiful lady, blue eyed muscular man, free shoes = amazeballs.
As my mum got in the car ready to leave, I grabbed her hand and said "So, do you want to be my mummy then?" - she cried (I know, who knew?!) said yes, and we went from there.
Next thing I knew we were in Jed and Lorraines pretty rotten 4 by 4 on our way to Lymm, the place of dreams. We pulled up to this mansion, practically, a beautiful victorian semi, I'd never seen anything like it. Princess car. Princess castle. We were so lucky. But I didn't want to stay. I got in quite the tantrum as I wanted to stay with Jed and Lorraine. Jay wasn't fussed, he was put to bed in the incredible top floor bedroom and when I think about it now, it was so heartfelt. These two people wanted us so much, they must have got so excited walking round a shop, picking out wallpaper and cots and everything parents do get excited for. It breaks my heart to know I felt so happy and so hopeful once and now they feel more like a memory of a lost child. It's better to remember them and to remember me like that, because that's what I wanted, a mummy and a daddy and thats what I got, even if I don't have it now.

Jed took me upstairs, and into the bedroom that they had painted and put together so beautifully, bunk beds - amazing. He tucked me up - in top bunk of course, after all, I was a big girl now. He pulled my duvet up over me for the last time and I said to him "Promise me you'll wake me up before you go," and he kissed me on the cheek and said "Course I will,"
I never saw him again.
I woke up the next day and had the best bowl of coco-pops of my life.
Happy.

I was a lucky little girl to have been adopted by my parents. Even more lucky to have been adopted with my brother. We were destined to be Fran and Jay. Always. And maybe one day we will be again.

I'm watching this stupid TV show on Channel 4 and it's filling me with a rage. Children listed on websites, in catalogues, in videos, its madness. We are not animals at the dogs home.
How can potential parents have check lists?

I didn't even know there was a box for "sexual abuse" on what parents are looking for and I can't help but think that my parents overlooked the fact that I was a messed up little girl with baggage a-plenty due to the fact that they wanted a baby.
There is a little girl on this program, shes 7 years old, and shes being written off, because parents looking for children don't want someone so old, because they consider them to be damaged. That breaks my heart.
I'm 26, and I can't wait to start a family with Sarah, if we can't have one for our own, I have no problem taking to our hearts a little girl or boy who wants a mummy, a home, love, care, a future.
Any little girl or boy.
The life I have lived and the things that I've felt, I could love 100 children and it wouldn't be enough!